Okay, I've had a couple of less serious posts, so back to some serious stuff.
I've had very few close friends in this life. I don't know why that is. I'm very personable, attractive, fun to be around, cool hair, etc. But for some reason I rarely get really close to anyone. In spite of the praise I give myself, I actually feel pretty insecure on the inside. My exterior is just for show. I think I talk myself up in the hopes that I'll talk myself into it someday. I can point to everything that is wrong with me, and when people tell me about the things that are right with me I feel ashamed/embarrassed and can't feel good about the compliment. Why is that?
I only had one close friend in elementary school. Two in junior high. Two or three in high school. Two at BYU. None in grad school. Two here in California, but none really at the moment. I have had tons of acquaintances/friends over those years, but none that I would call particularly close. It's kind of lonely. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most straight guys don't get close to other guys unless they are posting up on the basketball court. They don't get emotionally connected to others. I have the need, the desire, to feel emotionally connected to others, yet I can't find others to connect with. I want someone to put their arm around my shoulders in one of those sideways, brotherly, non-gay hugs and congratulate me when things go right, or console me when things go bad. I want someone that I can call up at a moments notice to go places and do stuff. I want someone that I can feel comfortable talking to about being gay. I need a close friend.
Do I need other gay guys to be friends with? Is that the only way to get that emotional need filled? Or would that eventually encourage me to travel a different path than the one I have chosen and leave no opportunity for my patriarchal blessing to be fulfilled (get married to a woman and have kids)?
Sigh. Anybody want to move to So Cal and be my close friend in a faithful gay Mormon way?
Sometimes I hate expressing my feelings because then I realize that's how I'm truly feeling. I'm a little blue now. Time to go kill things in a video game. That should numb the pain.