Okay, I've had a couple of less serious posts, so back to some serious stuff.
I've had very few close friends in this life. I don't know why that is. I'm very personable, attractive, fun to be around, cool hair, etc. But for some reason I rarely get really close to anyone. In spite of the praise I give myself, I actually feel pretty insecure on the inside. My exterior is just for show. I think I talk myself up in the hopes that I'll talk myself into it someday. I can point to everything that is wrong with me, and when people tell me about the things that are right with me I feel ashamed/embarrassed and can't feel good about the compliment. Why is that?
I only had one close friend in elementary school. Two in junior high. Two or three in high school. Two at BYU. None in grad school. Two here in California, but none really at the moment. I have had tons of acquaintances/friends over those years, but none that I would call particularly close. It's kind of lonely. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most straight guys don't get close to other guys unless they are posting up on the basketball court. They don't get emotionally connected to others. I have the need, the desire, to feel emotionally connected to others, yet I can't find others to connect with. I want someone to put their arm around my shoulders in one of those sideways, brotherly, non-gay hugs and congratulate me when things go right, or console me when things go bad. I want someone that I can call up at a moments notice to go places and do stuff. I want someone that I can feel comfortable talking to about being gay. I need a close friend.
Do I need other gay guys to be friends with? Is that the only way to get that emotional need filled? Or would that eventually encourage me to travel a different path than the one I have chosen and leave no opportunity for my patriarchal blessing to be fulfilled (get married to a woman and have kids)?
Sigh. Anybody want to move to So Cal and be my close friend in a faithful gay Mormon way?
Sometimes I hate expressing my feelings because then I realize that's how I'm truly feeling. I'm a little blue now. Time to go kill things in a video game. That should numb the pain.
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11 comments:
Ooo! Pick me! Pick me! Can I live in Goleta or Santa Barbara! I love the fact that it's never outside of the 70-85 range!
Much as I love SoCal, I like the north a bit better, and all of Cali is way too expensive for me at this point. :P And unfortunately the areas of SoCal I served my mission in didn't really expose me to many guys that would fit the bill.
I completely hear you on the idea of needing a friend. I really need one right now. I thought I had one, but I guess I messed it up. It feels one step worse than the aching loneliness that pervaded my life before.
It breaks my heart to hear how such wonderful people feel so lonely. I would be friends with every good Moho in the world if I could. I love you guys. We all feel loneliness and pain. I wish friends always made it go away. Don't worry, I'm not pitying you, I'm just saying that I hope you can find someone that you can share yourself with. Don't discount the close friends that you already have either, maybe there is one that you can trust with your struggle. Pray to know who you can trust or for new friends that will support you. The Lord won't leave you alone.
Wow! I read your post and it was like you were writing about my inner most thoughts.
I have some bad news for you. For a gay man, getting married doesn't take away the loneliness. I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue it, I just didn't want you to have false expectations.
I hate it when we have the missionaries over for dinner and they ask if we have any friends they could share the gospel with, because they could put the question mark after "do you have any friends?" and the answer would be the same.
I have people I'm friendly with. But, I mostly just tag along with my wife and hang out with the husbands of her friends. But, I don't have anyone I would consider a close friend.
Southern California? Been there, done that (born and raised in Southern California). But, hey, maybe you could move to Texas.
Well, not that it's really a comparable substitute, but if anyone wants to be xbox 360 friends, I'm game! (All that talk of killing something made me realize there's probably no group I would enjoy fake-killing more than my buddy MoHos!)
ME, being single I can't understand how it is possible that you could still be lonely while married. That just doesn't compute in my head. I guess it's one of those things I'll have to find out on my own.
L, I don't have an Xbox. I guess it's time to get one. My brothers keep on telling me to get one to play online with them. Or, maybe you should get into World of Warcraft....
...how it is possible that you could still be lonely while married?
I'm not sure if I can explain it. I just know that I feel lonely much of the time. Although, it may have as much to do with my work situation as it does my gay situation. I work out of my home and don't get much human interaction except at church - and then only on Sunday's and Mutual on Wednesday's. And, since our children are grown, my wife has taken a job outside of the home. So, I'm usually home alone both during the day and many evenings. I don't think I felt this way as much when my children were younger and I worked in an actual office and dealt with people face to face rather than email and teleconferences. In fact, there were times I would have given anything to have the solitude I have now.
I find your post quite poignant.
The feeling of isolation is one of the worst things about being a faithful gay Mormon.
The first thing I thought after reading your post was: "This guy needs a date with a nice man!" Then I remembered that that is exactly the problem....
I made the decision 20 years ago to leave the church and live my life as authentically I possibly could. I got tired of praying "please help me change my essential nature." It almost became a matter of life and death to me. After much drama ("scene, with aria") life settled down for me and things got much, much better. Unbelievably better. There have been ups and downs since then, but I have never regretted my path for moment. I found, much to my amazement, that there are some very decent folks out there in the World. I also found that Chianti goes really, really well with homemade pasta, prosciutto and cream sauce. :-)
In any case, I feel for your struggle and wish you all the best as you deal with these issues. I wish there were something I could do to help.
P.S. I loved your coming-out letter to your family!
I just discovered your blog and I like it. keep up the good work, buddy.
I relate to what you mean about close friends. Dude, if I lived in southern california I'd be so happy I wouldn't need friends. okay, just kidding, but Socal is pretty much the coolest thing since greek food.
If you ever need anything, let me know. I may not be near you but that doesn't mean we can't support each other.
I look forward to reading more on your blog.
I would agree with agirlwho. It's really easy to neglect what we already have (I do it sometimes). But I know what you mean... sometimes what we have just isn't enough. I feel it every time I go to church... I know people in the ward but there isn't anyone I hang out with or am close to. So instead, I go on picnics after church with my friends. But don't worry... I should be in the LA area in September (if UCLA or USC law ever get their acts together and accept me) and we can definitely hang out.
Thras,
Just living in So Cal worked really well for about 5 years. That really was all I needed to be happy. But, it's worn thin. I think I need to blog about that in a little more detail.
John,
Looking forward to it. Best of luck getting into one of those schools. If I had any connections I would help you out, but alas I don't.
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