Just thought I would post a little bit of an update here for my enormous fanbase. :P
I think that it's time to drop the mask. Good heavens, the problem with spending 34 years in the closet is that once you start coming out you still have the habits of covering your tracks to make yourself look like the perfect Mormon boy that you've so successfully portrayed in the past. And even in the anonymous blog world, you find yourself covering up many of the truths about yourself and what you are experiencing, all for the good of saving face. The absurdity of it all...
I struggled a lot - a lot - over the last couple of years. Mostly with how to reconcile my 3 decades of religious indoctrination with my newly accepted gay self. I made some mistakes. I hooked up with people when I shouldn't have. I took things too far with some. I went to my bishop, spilled the beans and tried to get "back on track".
Then it happened. I met the perfect person. The one who I had been waiting for (unknowingly, since I was going on 35 years of feigning straightness) all my life. We met a year ago this month. Our first live meeting was with a couple of other MoHos for dinner. The instant I saw him I fell in love. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen - and I've looked at a lot of porn in my day. ;)
We began hanging out and became the best of friends. I was torn. I was conflicted. I loved him, but I was still trying to reconcile the whole church thing. Then last fall, both of his roommates moved away and he needed a place to live. He asked if he could come live with me ... and I said yes.
Since that time, it has been amazing. We just fit together perfectly as a couple. We have plenty in common so that we enjoy doing all sorts of things together (yay Disneyland!), and we have enough differences so that we can sometimes go do our own thing and not get bored of being together all the time. I'm still excited every day to see him after work. We've started talking about making it permanent - and the twins that we need to find an egg donor and surrogate mother for. :)
Where does this leave me with the church? I still believe the core doctrines. I also believe that we don't understand the smallest fraction of what's on God's mind about everything ... especially homosexuality. I honestly hope that someday the church will at least accept gay couples into full membership, even if gay sealings don't ever happen. At the moment, though, I haven't divulged all of this to my bishop yet. I'm not sure that I will for a while. The fallout will be tough. It's hard knowing that excommunication will most likely be coming my way. I'll be missing a lot. I'm sad that I can't stand in the circle to bless my new baby niece that was born last week. But, I look at all of that and also know that I can not go back to the lonely, depressed, desperate person that I was before, looking for hookups in the shadows of Saturday night and feigning righteousness in the pews on Sunday morning. And I just can't accept the deprecation of gay people that goes on every single effing week at church. God loves all his children, not just the ones that fit the perfect Mormon mold.
That's it for this update. See you soon.