25 March 2009

A Periodic Update

Just thought I would post a little bit of an update here for my enormous fanbase. :P

I think that it's time to drop the mask. Good heavens, the problem with spending 34 years in the closet is that once you start coming out you still have the habits of covering your tracks to make yourself look like the perfect Mormon boy that you've so successfully portrayed in the past. And even in the anonymous blog world, you find yourself covering up many of the truths about yourself and what you are experiencing, all for the good of saving face. The absurdity of it all...

I struggled a lot - a lot - over the last couple of years. Mostly with how to reconcile my 3 decades of religious indoctrination with my newly accepted gay self. I made some mistakes. I hooked up with people when I shouldn't have. I took things too far with some. I went to my bishop, spilled the beans and tried to get "back on track".

Then it happened. I met the perfect person. The one who I had been waiting for (unknowingly, since I was going on 35 years of feigning straightness) all my life. We met a year ago this month. Our first live meeting was with a couple of other MoHos for dinner. The instant I saw him I fell in love. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen - and I've looked at a lot of porn in my day. ;)

We began hanging out and became the best of friends. I was torn. I was conflicted. I loved him, but I was still trying to reconcile the whole church thing. Then last fall, both of his roommates moved away and he needed a place to live. He asked if he could come live with me ... and I said yes.

Since that time, it has been amazing. We just fit together perfectly as a couple. We have plenty in common so that we enjoy doing all sorts of things together (yay Disneyland!), and we have enough differences so that we can sometimes go do our own thing and not get bored of being together all the time. I'm still excited every day to see him after work. We've started talking about making it permanent - and the twins that we need to find an egg donor and surrogate mother for. :)

Where does this leave me with the church? I still believe the core doctrines. I also believe that we don't understand the smallest fraction of what's on God's mind about everything ... especially homosexuality. I honestly hope that someday the church will at least accept gay couples into full membership, even if gay sealings don't ever happen. At the moment, though, I haven't divulged all of this to my bishop yet. I'm not sure that I will for a while. The fallout will be tough. It's hard knowing that excommunication will most likely be coming my way. I'll be missing a lot. I'm sad that I can't stand in the circle to bless my new baby niece that was born last week. But, I look at all of that and also know that I can not go back to the lonely, depressed, desperate person that I was before, looking for hookups in the shadows of Saturday night and feigning righteousness in the pews on Sunday morning. And I just can't accept the deprecation of gay people that goes on every single effing week at church. God loves all his children, not just the ones that fit the perfect Mormon mold.

That's it for this update. See you soon.

22 comments:

AmbiguouS One said...

Saving face?! Your post was one of the most honest and genuine I have ever read. I am happy for you, and I am SO glad that you know without a doubt that God loves you! It is one of my deepest desires that everyone on the planet will come to know that at some time in his or her life, so it makes me especially joyous.

MoHoHawaii said...

Wow. I remember clearly this exchange from a year ago. I wondered how that turned out, since you never posted a follow up blog entry.

The tone of your post today seems so much more confident, relaxed and happy. It's a pronounced change.

Take care of your man and treat him right. I wish you both many years of happiness.

(Yes, I'll send you kitchen gadgets.)

Scot said...

Wow, a surprising update at that.

Congratulations!

"and the twins that we need to find an egg donor and surrogate mother for. :)"

When this is at a serious point and if you need info on how to become parents in your state, I've got plenty (and a good deal of experience with twins too :-)).

Evan said...

Well, you are definitely making progress, it seems. Good luck to you two!

I hope the process of telling your bishop and the process of excommunication that is likely to come about will at least be bearable for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Abelard Enigma said...

As others said - wow!

I am truly happy for you (and a wee bit jealous). Although, I have to confess that I keep wishing someone would figure out how to reconcile their Mormonism with their sexuality - so that they could teach the rest of us.

Have you told your family yet?

Romulus said...

I'm so happy for you! I had been wondering what was up with you!

Josh said...

I love all of God's children too. Including you and your bf? Is that the right word? Even if it isn't I think that you go great together. When are you going to come visit? Or better yet, when am I going to know what I am doing for the summer?

Beck said...

As one of your "enormous fan base", I find this to be amazing stuff!

Like Abelard, I too wonder who will figure out how to reconcile their sexuality, happiness quotient and the church, without giving up one or all of them.

I, too am sooo jealous... May you find joy and continued peace and happiness. I hope you continue to update as you progress down this blessed road.

Alan said...

What Beck said. And Ambiguous One up top too. Woot woot!

Carter Niven said...

A toast to your new happiness! I hope things continue to be wonderful!

El Genio said...

Ok, the whole Disneyland thing... so jealous. I was just there last week and saw Fantasmic for the first time. I couldn't help thinking about what sort of dream I want to come true, and am glad to see that yours already is. :)

Bravone said...

Max, I had an hour long chat today with John Gustav, Young Stranger (http://youngstranger.blogspot.com/) His story is amazing to me. He is living with his partner, raising a son and "active" in his ward. He is no longer a member, but has a firm testimony of the gospel. He does all he can in his ward. He sings in the choir and works with family history. He finds great peace and acceptance in his ward.

You may want to check out his blog and get to know him. He is an inspiration to me.

I wish you all the best.

Steve

J G-W said...

Some would argue that the whole eternal marriage thing is a "core doctrine," but I think I know what you mean.

Have you thought about how you will navigate your relationship with the Church if an excommunication does happen? Or are you still waiting to see what happens next before you plot that course?

Max Power said...

I guess I should write some responses (why do I suck at blogging these days? i'm even sucking on my facebook blog).

AMBIGUOUS: The "saving face" innuendo was intended towards how I used to write this blog back in the day. I always made myself appear much more "righteous" than I really was. Maybe self-righteous is a better word...

MHHAWAII: Yeah, I remember that one, and others. I should probably take this opportunity to apologize to you for other blog comment exchanges where I was a bit snotty. :)

SCOT: I've been reading your history on your blog. I'd like to visit with you guys when I come up to Utah this summer.

EVAN: Thanks.

ABE: I've not told my family yet. I'm not sure how to approach this subject with them. It's going to be tough. I'm sure that I'll have some posts for that in the future.

ROMULUS: Thanks.

JOSH: Figure out your schedule and we'll come visit.

BECK, ALAN, CARTER, GENIO, BRAVEONE: Thanks.

JOHNGW: I was thinking of core doctrines from the aspect of BofM, the Restoration, the Atonement, etc. I plan on continued attendance and participation (as much as I can stand, given the present political climate). I can't just throw away something that has brought so much good into my life. How that all gets navigated is still in the dark right now. I guess I'll just take it as it comes.

D-Train said...

"...you still have the habits of covering your tracks to make yourself look like the perfect Mormon boy..."

That's it, I'm moving out. I was certain that you were the perfect Mormon boy I was always looking for. :P

Scot said...

"I'd like to visit with you guys when I come up to Utah this summer."

You bet. Just drop us a line.

D-Train: "That's it, I'm moving out."

Ah ha :-).

Original Mohomie said...

Max, does this mean you won't be trying to kiss me like I dreamed? **feeling faint disappointment...that I won't get to reject you like I dreamed**

As for this announcement, yeah yeah yeah, big flippin' shocker there. We knew all this MONTHS ago. ...OK, maybe only I and a few others knew because of my gay mormon mafia connections. *wink*

Anyway, looks like you're gonna have a rocky road ahead. I wish you well with it.

Original Mohomie said...

Ha, I just re-read my comment 'cause I got the e-mail saying it posted, and I'm thinking it comes across as pretty cold. I didn't mean it to. My sarcasm was meant with a warm smile. Hopefully you, at least, recognized that.

Max Power said...

Omo, I always recognize your sarcasm, as I hope you do mine on the stuff I post on your profile on Facebook. It's all love, man (not to be confuse with man-love). :)

Aric said...

I found your blog today through your "better half's". I really am so happy for you guys yet I understand the complexity and difficulty of trying to figure out what your association with the church will look like in lieu of your new goals.

As I read your blog, I honestly felt as if I could have been writing it myself... (minus the finding the perfect person part--which I guess is a pretty important component of the blog post). Anyway, I related to everything you said and it gives me hope that I will one day have the same kind of experience.

Thanks for your very honest post. Consider your fan-base to be one stalker larger now. :)

Nathan Aaron said...

I don't get why you would even want to be part of a church that would excommunicate someone. It's so anti-church/Christian, it's insane. I go to an (I realize you're Mormon, and so this is just a light comparison)All American Baptist (that's the denomination) church (but we're SO very unBaptist! Yay!) and it's so wonderful, and open, and there's both sides (pro/anti gay) at this church, but many gay people go here; and just this past week I had a lesbian couple sitting behind me (and my other three gay friends in the pew with me) as we watched a lesbian couple have their baby consecrated in front of everyone, straight, gay, single, black, white. The Christian love is out there, if you just search for it.

Max Power said...

Nathan:

A valid question. I don't look at excommunication as something that vilifies any church that practices it. If you want to be a member of any organization, you play by that organization's rules. If you decide you can't play by all the rules, then they have the right to revoke your membership. I really have no problem with that.