Do you have joy?
I do. And I don't.
I have joy when I go to church and feel the spirit, when I read my scriptures, and when I pray. I don't have joy when I think about all of the church rules and regulations for coupling on this earth, and how marriage to a woman does not interest me. Nor do I have joy when I think of living alone for the rest of my life.
I have joy when I hang out with my gay friend, when we go out for a night on the town, when we cuddle on the couch to watch a movie, when I bid him farewell and kiss him on the cheek. I don't have joy when doctrine creeps into my mind telling me that a homosexual relationship is evil, now that I've realized I'm in love with this friend.
I thought I knew where I was going. I thought I had made up my mind. But then I met an amazing person that I connect with in a way that I had never imagined possible.
Now I'm conflicted again.
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7 comments:
Two points:
1) If there's no possibility of your ever making an honest man out of your friend, PLEASE tell him that and let him go. (Either that or give him my e-mail address so that I can warn him away for you.) He's a real person with real feelings, not a plaything or therapeutic experiment.
2) If you do think there's a chance for you guys to be together in the long run, go slow.
Whatever happens, best of luck to you both.
MHH,
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "making an honest man out of your friend."
So, I'll just say that he knows how I feel. We talked through everything a couple of days ago. He's read my blog, so he knows what I've gone through over the last year. I'm one million percent, absolutely and completely open and honest with him about everything that I feel and think about the whole situation. He's definitely not just a plaything.
As far as a "therapeutic experiment", wouldn't that term only apply to someone of the female persuasion? ;)
Hi Max,
I meant "actually be his boyfriend someday, with all that entails."
Sometimes guys in the Church like to dip their toes in the water of gay love, just to see how it feels, with absolutely no intention of ever jumping in. The person on the other side of this experiment sometimes gets really, really hurt.
I'm glad your man reads your blog (hi, boyfriend!).
Seriously, though, I wish you both the best as you try to find something that works for you. My opinion is that man was not meant to be alone, but that opinion is hardly scriptural. :- )
Max,
I think we all go through moments where we feel similar to what you've expressed. I know I have, and will. I think it's important to remind ourselves of our chosen direction, whatever that may be in life, and take steps to reinforce that commitment we've made, so that we honor that commitment.
Max,
I should clarify that, like Kengo B., I am supportive of your life as a faithful Mormon if that's the path that brings you happiness.
I am also supportive of healthy gay relationships. They are life giving.
In general I agree with the Scot (aka Utah Cog) model of coming out: no same-sex dating allowed until you have reconciled your belief system with your sexuality and no longer feel conflicted.
You sound conflicted.
Will there come a day when you suddenly panic and cut your friend off abruptly? (FYI, this is an unbelievably callous thing to do.) Is this where things are heading?
This is just my $0.02. If I'm an advocate of anything, I advocate decency and respect for the person you are dating.
No matter which way you decide to take things I really do wish you well.
(And, boyfriend of Max, I hope you're reading this too.)
I can identify with how this feels. With my heart now re-crusted and locked back up, I most often feel only a little sadness that I may not open it to another guy someday, though a part of me would certainly love to. I may be a little embarrassed by my past "dipping my toes". I also recognize that I am certainly capable of "falling" again, probably in the Fall (appropriately enough), if the past proves a pattern. :-) And I am determining what I need to do with that if it happens again, because something doesn't sit right about spending more time dabbling in love in which I don't intend to follow through but getting my selfish fill enough to tide me over until the next Fall.
I can only think it's important to make these decisions beforehand because it's so very hard to make those calls with a clear mind and proper consideration when you're already in the situation. So hard...
So you either have a temptation or an opportunity. Only you can decide which...really.
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