Do you have joy?
I do. And I don't.
I have joy when I go to church and feel the spirit, when I read my scriptures, and when I pray. I don't have joy when I think about all of the church rules and regulations for coupling on this earth, and how marriage to a woman does not interest me. Nor do I have joy when I think of living alone for the rest of my life.
I have joy when I hang out with my gay friend, when we go out for a night on the town, when we cuddle on the couch to watch a movie, when I bid him farewell and kiss him on the cheek. I don't have joy when doctrine creeps into my mind telling me that a homosexual relationship is evil, now that I've realized I'm in love with this friend.
I thought I knew where I was going. I thought I had made up my mind. But then I met an amazing person that I connect with in a way that I had never imagined possible.
Now I'm conflicted again.