11 March 2007

A new beginning

I just got off the phone with my parents and my older sister. It was awesome. They were so loving and supportive that it was almost annoying. ;-P

You know, I actually knew that this is what would happen when I told them. We're a great family. A very close family. There was never any reason for me to be scared or ashamed to talk to them about this. I wish I could have done this years ago. But, I do know why it sort of had to wait until now. It wasn't so much my own personal fears, as it was the fear of the news devastating my mom. I love her dearly, but she has always been one of those need-to-be-perfect people. She doesn't understand what the Atonement is really all about. She's one of those stereotypical Utah RS President-types that has to be going full-bore 24/7 at church stuff for fear of not working her way into heaven. I knew deep down inside that she couldn't handle this news until she finally had grandchildren, so that she would realize that she hadn't failed as a mother. If I had told her 1 year ago, she probably would have cracked.

I slyly talked about that with them on the phone today. Early on in the conversation she said how she was worried about me and if I ever slipped up once then I would somehow disqualify myself from living in the Celestial Kingdom. I told her I disagreed with that, and that God certainly would not condemn any of us to Hell for one mistake in our lives. He is much more forgiving than I think most Mormons give Him credit for. He knows our limitations. He knows our trials and our internal psychological and spiritual health. He understands. I went on about how the church is true, but Mormon culture can often be lame. I talked about how I've read articles that list Utah as the top per capita consumer of anti-depressants. I talked about how sad it was that so many people have the Truth in their lives and don't believe it. Mormons should be the healthiest physically and mentally of all people on the planet because we have an eternal perspective on things. Unfortunately that's not the case. We are so worried about working our way into heaven that the Atonement and grace of Christ gets in the way.

It was a good conversation. I think it opened her eyes a little to the fact that it's okay to not be Mary Poppins all the time.

Beyond that, we just chatted about my personal feelings. About what it's like. What my intentions for the future were.

Oh yeah, they hesitantly asked if that letter was a buildup to anything more drastic, such as introducing my boyfriend to them. I laughed. "No, there's nothing more above and beyond the letter." I think that was a great relief to them. Still, even if that were the case, it's good to know that they were okay with accepting me as their family member, and whatever else I brought along with me.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update to my coming out experience. It was awesome. I feel much stronger today. It's a new beginning.

I'm going to need this extra strength when I run into boy-I-have-a-crush-on-and-he-on-me at work tomorrow.


John said...

Congrats!!! I'm glad everything turned out okay for you. Good luck making it through Wednesday! That is seriously one of my biggest fears about leaving BYU/Provo (and probably coming down to SoCal)... that I will be attracted to someone who will know that I am gay. What do you do then? Or just friends/roommates who aren't LDS and ask you if you're gay... do you just say no and let them think you are still in the closet, or do you say yes and then they think you are gay socially/politically/etc., or do you try and explain it and then they think you are repressing your true feelings. Maybe I'm not giving people enough credit. Either that or I'm just paranoid. Either way, I've taken up too much comment space... have a great week and good luck!!!

SG said...

Congratulations from me, too.

Sounds like you have a great family. But are you sure we don't have the same mother?

Mormon Enigma said...

... she was worried about me and if I ever slipped up once then I would somehow disqualify myself from living in the Celestial Kingdom

Hmmm, isn't that why Christ atoned for our sins? IMOHO, it really doesn't matter how many times we slip up as long as we truly repent each time.

I'm not advocating 'slipping up'. But, it is a comfort to me that we have that safety net should I ever slip up.

My Best Is All I Have said...


Thanks. In some ways I think it is much better living in So Cal, just for the fact that people are a little more accepting of gay people. It does have the challenge of meeting other gay guys and them totally catching you on their gaydar, but that hasn't happened more than a couple of times to me in 7 years. And actually, it has been nice to have a couple of gay friends to talk to - except for the ex-Mormon jerk that tried to seduce me.... but that is best saved for it's own blog.

Come on down! I'll teach you how to surf! Surf poorly, but surf nonetheless.