28 March 2007

And it came to pass

I think I'm going to entitle all of my blogs "And it came to pass" from now on.

It was late when I wrote my post on Monday night, so I don't think that all of my ideas came across very clearly. One thing I need to reiterate is what an incredible feeling it was to sit there and have someone tell me how much I made their life better. I have NEVER had anyone compliment me like that. EVER. I absolutely melted. It threw my brain and emotions into a place they have never been. Have any of you single people out there (excluding drex and salad) ever had anyone express those emotions to you? It's an amazing feeling.

I called my sister and chatted with her while I was driving home from work yesterday. It was a good conversation. I brought her up to speed on my friend and what I'm feeling about it right now. She had a lot of advice for me. General advice about having faith in my patriarchal blessing, having faith that I'm chosing the right, blah, blah, blah. Superficially I know that it was good advice, but I was kind of ignoring it. I wanted to have a pity party, and she wasn't playing along.

Anyway, so after I hung up with her, not 5 minutes later HE calls me. It turns out that he did not receive my email yesterday because he stayed home from work. He called to probe my feelings about the kiss he had given me. So, I basically gave him an oral version of the email. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was a deep, soul-searching conversation. He couldn't really come to an understanding as to why I felt the way I did. He explained a lot of things to me about his coming out process, and I have to say it opened my eyes a little to my own.

He also opened my eyes to something I haven't been fully admitting to myself - I am deeply attracted to him and want much more than just a friendship. He called me out on saying that I just wanted to be friends. He said, "I can tell when people are just friendly to me, and when they want more than that. I can see it in your eyes and in your body language whenever we are together that you want more out of this than just a casual friendship." I was speechless at that. I told him that I wasn't sure how to respond to that and that he would have to wait for a response.

He told me that he was very attracted to me, that he felt safe around me, and that he longed to be with me and share more of himself. At one point I told him that I also found him very attractive. He stopped me and said something to the effect of if we're both gay, and are both attracted to each other, there is no way that it's going to stop at just a casual friendship.

There were so many things said in that conversation that came back to the concept of if we continue seeing each other it will become much more than what I'm telling myself it would be.

Fast-forward to today. He was at work today, so he read my email. His response to it was: "I have so much to tell you in response to your email and our conversation last night. If I can sum it up in one sentence it would be: Give me a chance! Or perhaps: Give us a chance! You're the best!"

I think I need to take JG's advice and cut my losses and run.


playasinmar said...

When I read,

"He called to probe my feelings about the kiss he had given me."

I thought, "Well now he gets a taste of what a relationship might be like." Then you wrote,

"So, I basically gave him an oral version of the email"

Oh, the entendre! HA! [ow, my sides hurt]

My Best Is All I Have said...


I'm glad somebody caught that one. XD

Daniel Hicken said...

Man, I really need to lighten up...that one went over me.