Comment to Remember

I made a comment on Elbow's blog today and I wanted to put it here so that I could go back and reflect on what I said when I forget where I originally posted it. I'm mulling this over in my head right now. Maybe I'll expound on it one of these days. Elbow was talking about his duplicitous self and the agony he is going through.


Elbow,

I find myself having the same swings all the time. From my view, take your experience and add 10 additional years of duplcity. Then look at the other older faithful LDS guys on here and add another 10-20 years. It doesn't appear that the swings ever go away.

I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did. How could I be happy with a life of loneliness and celibacy as a faithful gay mormon? On the other hand, how could I be happy living a life that I know the Lord doesn't approve of? Both of those questions are answered with some derivation of the concept of "misery".

Do we then just shrug our shoulders and say, well I might as well be miserable but faithful to my testimony. Or do we say, I might as well be miserable but not lonely. Neither choice is very appealing in the perspective of this mortal existence.

I just read Elder Oaks and Wickman's interview on SSA. I didn't finish it with a lot of optimism for overcoming SSA. They didn't say that I could just go dip myself in the river Jordan seven times and it would go away. They outlined the path as a very tough one to follow. But it is our path to trod. Our challenge in life is not with SSA, it is for us to individually figure out what it takes for us to submit our will to the Lord. "If it be thy will, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." We have to figure out how to really be like Jesus. Not the fluff you learned in primary about being nice to other people, but of kneeling in Gethsemene knowing the suffering he would have to endure and still being willing to do it.

I'm sure that we knew we'd be facing these problems when we were in the pre-existence. Although, I wonder if someone tricked me into signing up for it. ;P