I'm trying to figure out how to sum up all of my emotions into this post. I met my first MoHo two weeks ago. The next day I was as insane as a 14 year old, love-struck girl, as you can read here (Meeting Other MoHos) and here (Emotional Immaturity).
Here we are, almost 2 weeks later, and John and I have spent a total of 67.5 hours together. He has almost been a full-time job for me. :P
After the post on emotional immaturity, we chatted, and I thought that we had everything all figured out. We decided to hang out together all day Friday (UCLA Law School tour for him, lunch, Pirates 3, shopping at H&M, hanging out chatting at my place) and it was awesome. I've never been shopping with another gay guy before. He wasn't as good at shopping as I thought he would be. :P But, I did convince him that he needed to purchase a zip-up hoodie. Then, the inevitable happened. We were hanging out at my place that night, and I introduced John to Guitar Hero. He is a changed man now.
All weekend I was a complete wreck. I couldn't stand not being around him. My emotional immaturity was pummeling me with all of its might. We did a ton of chatting through IM. Actually, if you add up our IM time, we probably were together more along the lines of 80 hours than the 67.5 I previously mentioned. Through chatting we found that we had so much in common - more than I have ever had with anyone else. That wasn't helping me to just see him as a friend.
We got back together on Tuesday night. We went up to LA to see my friend's band play. They were absolutely incredible. I can't remember what excuse we made up, but we ended up hanging out again at my place after the concert. This time, it evolved into a little more than hanging out. There was a lot of cuddling and/or snuggling that went on while we chatted. I do have to say that John is a great spooner. :D
Wednesday we went to the gayest place on earth - Disneyland. I got the chance to meet John's mom and little sister. We had the best time. I was amazed at how good he is at the Buzz Lightyear game. He totally smoked me. Totally! After D-land we went back to my place and watched So You Think You Can Dance, mingled with a little more cuddling. And, by this time I couldn't handle it any more. I had to lean over and kiss him. I thought that I was strong. I thought that I had already made my choices in life for saving romance for a woman. I thought that I could resist, but I couldn't. It was the most gratifying kiss I have ever given in my life.
So, by this time you may be saying to yourself, "Self, these guys certainly hit it off well. And that kiss? Wow! I wonder how they are doing emotionally." Well, I'll tell you. I was a wreck. An absolute, blubbering wreck. I knew that John was leaving in a couple of days to go to Moab and then most likely back up to Utah for school next fall and I would only see him on rare occasions after Saturday. It was completely breaking my heart. I had completely fallen for him. And it wasn't just some infatuation (I've experienced that plenty of times before), it was something much, much deeper. So, I did the sappiest thing that I could possibly think of - I made a mix CD of lame love songs.
We met up on Thursday night so I could give him the CD. I was crying my eyes out as we sat in his car chatting for possibly the last time in a long while. We talked about us, and what we wanted in life. There were basically two possibilities for us. Option A was to just admit our love for each other and go for it. Option B was to separate ourselves and become long-distance friends. With the amount of love I was feeling towards John, there really wasn't a comfortable middle ground.
I was a disaster when I got home that night. I just cried and cried. How could I meet such an amazing person that I had such an amazing connection with and not be able to be with them forever? I really, really wanted to choose Option A, and I think John was feeling the same way (or so he tells me). I spent all day Friday working it out in my head. Friday was also the day of my friend's funeral. That helped to put everything in perspective for me.
I honestly believe that I could be happy living with John for the rest of my life. We are so similar, and we are both so freaking sexy. :P But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it would be only for this life. We could be happy, fulfill our wildest dreams, be married, adopt and raise children together, and all of that. But it would only be until death do us part. I couldn't do that to John, and I couldn't do that to myself. I don't want to just be happy in this life, I want to be happy forever. And as much as it was paining me to think of being away from John for several months, it was horrifying to think of living a life together and then not sharing life in the hereafter.
Above and beyond that, I felt guilty. I felt guilty of potentially stealing John's life away from him. He's so much younger than I am, and has so many more opportunities to find a woman to marry and raise a family with in the proper way. I couldn't stand the thought of me being the person to ruin that for him because of my selfish desires to be with him. I love and respect him too much to let him throw away his opportunities to live a life the way the Lord would have him.
So, Friday afternoon I sent John a message that I was choosing option B, and I explained why. It was a difficult message to write, and even harder to send, but I did it. I didn't want to leave things with an email, so I invited him to come over to my house one last time and we could talk about it. He did. We spent a lot of time talking about it, cuddling about it, and crying about it. At 4:00 in the morning we finally went to sleep.
We woke up a few hours later, and John had to take off to go do some work for his mom. We officially began option B and he left my house with a hug between two friends who care very deeply about each other. I detached myself from all emotion on Saturday, and thought that I was doing fine. Playing about 8 continuous hours of World of Warcraft helped. My mind was focused on my alternate universe.
I kept all emotion at bay during church this morning, but then as I was driving home, I put in the CD of sappy songs that John made for me. My heart sank and I had to keep on skipping through the songs so I wouldn't cry. Eventually I got to "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters, and that made me smile a little, so I listened to that a couple of times on the way home.
Shortly after I got home from church, John called me. Since he's on the road to Moab and has nothing better to do, we chatted for a while. Almost 4 hours to be exact. Option B is really kind of difficult. I might go so far as to say it sucks. But, from an eternal perspective, I keep on telling myself it's the right one.
Update: John posted his thoughts about all of this in this post