24 May 2007

Emotional Immaturity

Previously on Here's To Hope:

As time went on and we talked more, my anxiety about sitting there with an attractive gay Mormon subsided and I was able to just be normal and view him as a friend.

The following takes place between 12:36 and 12:52

If you didn't watch 24, then you won't find that amusing, you'll just think I'm an idiot. Anyway, I wanted to write about my emotional immaturity.

On Monday, after wading through the awkwardness of meeting an attractive gay Mormon guy, and both of us knowing it, I thought I was doing well. John used a phrase something like "friendship desexualization." The act of getting in control of your sexual desires for other people, and just viewing them as friends. By the end of our hanging out on Monday, and even on Tuesday when I wrote the post about Monday night, I thought that I had sufficiently desexualized our friendship. I was wrong.

My mind is still whirling around with that one little voice telling me not to be friends, but to "be friends" with John. And that voice is directly connected to the boys downstairs.

I know what I really want out of life. I know which path I want to follow. I've made all of those decisions previously, and I plan on sticking to them. Why is it, then, that I meet someone and just completely lose it?

I'm 34 years old for crying out loud! Most people have had the wonderful opportunity in their lives of dating and being in relationships from the time they were teenagers. By the time they are my age they have had a plethora of experiences that have helped them overcome the awkwardness of relationships and their emotional immaturity. They grew up. I, on the other hand, have been in the closet my whole life. I've only ever dated one person (female) for more than a couple of weeks. I've never had the opportunity to develop emotional maturity through relationships with other people. I am a complete and utter idiot around other people.

One of my problems, as I see it, is that I don't have any close friends. I've blogged about that previously. I don't share any deep emotional ties with anyone. So, when I meet a really cool person that I could become great friends with and share desexualized ties of friendship with, my brain doesn't know how to process it. It just automatically wants to bow-chiga-bow-now (I'm not sure how to spell that). Whereas if I already had lots of deep, emotional ties with other people, my brain would be capable of sorting gay Mormons into the proper bins.

I think I'm just starting to ramble now. Anybody have any suggestions on how to pull my head out of my @$$ and grow up emotionally?


Kengo Biddles said...

There have been studies showing that men who "don't get any" tend to think about s3x more. And that doesn't surprise me, I've been through it, too.

I think that you have to keep beating back the voice that you don't want to hear, and the more you build NORMAL relationships with people, the better things will be.

That, or build relationships with unattractive (to you) mohos. That's another option. ;)

playasinmar said...

I could be mistaken but did Kengo just advise you to beat the voice away?

Max Power said...


I would make out with you if you bought me that shirt! Even if you do look like a fluffy white dog. :D

I'm a medium.

Danish Boy said...

Hey dude,

Don't worry about it. I think it happens to all of us. Acknowledge that it has happened and go on with life. If that is not seemingly possible then get up and go do something that will help get your mind off the present situation. John Is a great guy and you are to so just be okay with the feelings ( I trust that you both would stick to your values and beliefs). They are hard to ignore or beat back and they will just be pressed back until you meet another good looking moho. If you need to email someone or talk call a friend. It may be hard to open up but I can tell you that it is much easier the more you do it.

Abelard Enigma said...

I tend to agree with others - you just have to 'do it' and it will get easier over time. Although, perhaps it might be prudent to avoid one-on-one's, at leasty initially.

... or build relationships with unattractive mohos

Wow, I have a new calling in life!

And now, the meeting of ugly MoHo's will come to order ...

Kengo Biddles said...

OooH! ABE! Can I be VP?! OooH! Pick Me! PICK ME! :)