I've never had the feeling to commit suicide. I don't understand that feeling. But, when I was growing up my mom had severe depression problems. I witnessed all of it first hand. I know that one day while we were at school and my dad was at work, she had a loaded gun in hand, barrel in her mouth and finger on the trigger and almost went through with it. So, even though I myself have never felt so hopeless to the point of feeling that killing myself is the only way out, I have seen with my own eyes what transpires in a persons life to make them feel that way.
Given the history of depression in my family (3 of my 4 siblings are medicated for anxiety and depression right now), I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I understand that feeling that I know my mom had. I frequently go through bouts of depression where I contemplate leaving the church, abandoning my former life, and plunging headfirst into a gay lifestyle. It's so lonely sometimes. Thank God that up to this point in my life I've always been able to dig out of those deep, dark pits. But each time I do, it seems that the pit is a little deeper, a little wider, a little darker, and it's just a little bit harder to get out of it.
I've also mentioned in previous posts about how the depression used to be infrequent and now it's much more frequent. If the pits keep on getting deeper, and I fall into them more often, at what point does that start to consume me?
I previously made a commitment to myself that I would never let it come to feelings of suicide. I decided that if my life turned into such throes of depression from the loneliness of being a single, gay Mormon, I would rather let go of some of my stances on homosexuality than let go of my life. I would rather pursue a gay lifestyle than off myself.
Would that solve the depression problems at that point? It's quite possible that it would not. Would I indulge in the gay lifestyle to assuage my feelings of suicide, only to have the feelings of abandoning part of my faith ultimately drive me to the same destination? It's a very frightening topic to think about.
Again, I'm not feeling suicidal or depressed right now, but it has been a while since my last bout of depression and I can almost feel it lurking around the corner waiting to pounce.
So I guess the next topics to ponderblog about are:
1) What triggers my depression episodes?
2) What gets me out of them?
3) How is it that I've been able to keep myself from being overcome by depression for so long?