03 May 2007


I've never had the feeling to commit suicide. I don't understand that feeling. But, when I was growing up my mom had severe depression problems. I witnessed all of it first hand. I know that one day while we were at school and my dad was at work, she had a loaded gun in hand, barrel in her mouth and finger on the trigger and almost went through with it. So, even though I myself have never felt so hopeless to the point of feeling that killing myself is the only way out, I have seen with my own eyes what transpires in a persons life to make them feel that way.

Given the history of depression in my family (3 of my 4 siblings are medicated for anxiety and depression right now), I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I understand that feeling that I know my mom had. I frequently go through bouts of depression where I contemplate leaving the church, abandoning my former life, and plunging headfirst into a gay lifestyle. It's so lonely sometimes. Thank God that up to this point in my life I've always been able to dig out of those deep, dark pits. But each time I do, it seems that the pit is a little deeper, a little wider, a little darker, and it's just a little bit harder to get out of it.

I've also mentioned in previous posts about how the depression used to be infrequent and now it's much more frequent. If the pits keep on getting deeper, and I fall into them more often, at what point does that start to consume me?

I previously made a commitment to myself that I would never let it come to feelings of suicide. I decided that if my life turned into such throes of depression from the loneliness of being a single, gay Mormon, I would rather let go of some of my stances on homosexuality than let go of my life. I would rather pursue a gay lifestyle than off myself.

Would that solve the depression problems at that point? It's quite possible that it would not. Would I indulge in the gay lifestyle to assuage my feelings of suicide, only to have the feelings of abandoning part of my faith ultimately drive me to the same destination? It's a very frightening topic to think about.

Again, I'm not feeling suicidal or depressed right now, but it has been a while since my last bout of depression and I can almost feel it lurking around the corner waiting to pounce.

So I guess the next topics to ponderblog about are:
1) What triggers my depression episodes?
2) What gets me out of them?
3) How is it that I've been able to keep myself from being overcome by depression for so long?


Scot said...

Would that solve the depression problems at that point? It's quite possible that it would not.

I have to agree and even say I’d be quite sure it would not. I’ve know those who’ve done this and it often ends bad. While if it were a choice between a gay relationship and suicide, sure, take the gay relationship, but it won’t fix anything if you don’t first resolve the ethics and do so in a way you know you came by honestly, not out of desire or necessity. It’s sad and it’s not easy, but, as I often nag around here, the gay man needs to take his ethics with him and if he can’t he likely will fare best never acting on his orientation. If it feels like you’re giving in or giving up or settling; that can be a problem and I think you’re right to worry. Just wish there was a simple solution.

iwonder said...

I have often pondered the same choice as you outline here: suicide or a relationship. Right now I am committed to neither, but there are days when both of those options are far more attractive than living out my life the way it is right now.

I have also found that my periods of depression and desire to pursue a relationship are much more frequent than they used to be and much more serious. That is one reason that I have begun to take anti-depressants, but I don't know that it is addressing the problem of the loneliness and desire to be in an intimate relationship with someone.

These are topics that seem to be slightly taboo even in the world of Mohoness. Perhaps taboo is not the correct descriptor. I guess that it just seems to me that even my gay friends are uncomfortable talking about these things - depression, suicide, leaving/staying in the church, but these are issues I deal with every day.

Anyway, I just want to say thanks for sharing. Even when you're anonymous it is hard to express these things.

Danish Boy said...

HEy dude,
I hope that you can figure out what it is that drives you into those dark pits. Usually it is something that you just don't even think about. For me it can be a negative thought or even just feeling alone and then it snowballs. First of all thinking negative will get you nowhere. Maybe you can observe your thoughts as you feel yourself slipping into a pit. What is going through your mind. Just observe it you don't have to change it and be positive just notice it. I am totally babbling right now but If you really think about it the awful pits are only temporary. You will get out because you've done it before.

playasinmar said...

Choosy MoHos Choose Life™

Loyalist (with defects) said...

my wife suffers with clinical depression and has attempted suicide. let me say that it isn't an easy topic.

Scot has some very excellent points regarding personal ethics and morality. If one decides to enter into a relationship it must be done honestly and with commitment and fidelity.

suicide doesnt resolve the issue, but only tares at the heart of those left behind.