05 June 2007

Option B = Sucks

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and support for John's and my decision to go with Option B. I appreciate it, and I'm sure he does too.

But I just have to say that today I really hate Option B. I was lying in bed wishing that an earthquake would hit and the roof would fall on me and knock me into a coma so I didn't have to think about this any more. This is a really cruel joke to finally meet someone that I feel all the right emotions for, and then not be able to be with him.

And just for the record, I was completely in love with John before I kissed him. So don't go thinking, "Well if they had just not been alone together this never would have happened." That line of thinking couldn't be further from the truth. I would still feel this deeply for him even if we hadn't kissed. That's the travesty of it all. Falling in love just happened. How were we to know that it would? There are so many MoHos that hang out together up in Utah without any major problems. Why not us? Why couldn't we just hang out and become friends? Why did we have to end up this way? I hate my life right now.

I actually found myself still contemplating Option A yesterday and what the implications would be. And I was starting to not feel too bad about it.

7 comments:

Chris said...

If this is an inapprpriate comment for public display on your blog, then don't approve it.

I, for one, am sad the two of you didn't chose Option A. You could find great joy together.

playasinmar said...

Not to bad, eh?

Hidden said...

I repeat the comment I left for John:

I 1000% understand what you're going through right now. Been there, felt that.

Finally, everything clicks and you know that this could be a great relationship. One where your emotions work, and one where you feel that connection.

And then you're faced with the fact that for the first time you find a relationship you want... it's the one relationship you're not allowed to have...

"Who ever said 'It's better to have loved and lost...'? I wish that I had never loved at all." ~Boys Like Girls (they are a band)

"The depth of my love for you defines the depth of my suffering...the depth of knowing that I can never have you..."

~Hidden

Gimple said...

I understand your pain. I have kissed people that I have fallen in love with and I know how hard it is to give that up. I think that you should truly think about what you want out of life and stick with it. Once you have made that decision, never go back on it! Good luck!

P.S. I don't think that all of us here in Provo have many opportunities to hook up. There are a few, but it usually doesn't work out because of the group and BYU.

MoHoHawaii said...

I have no idea where option A would have taken you. I have no idea whether it was even realistic given your life circumstances, etc.

What makes me sad is that it was ruled out. Option A never got a chance.

There's almost nothing that makes me as happy as seeing (as sometimes I do in the city where I live) affectionate, happy same-sex couples together. I like seeing happy straight couples too, but gay couples always make me feel warm inside.

I wish you the best.

Original Mohomie said...

Sucks, doesn't it? In my experience, so far, it gets better. Now, I can't really presume to ever have found a connection to match what you guys had/have, but I do know what it's like to choose not to pursue a romantic relationship with a guy with whom I would've liked to (even if I didn't yet perfectly avoid some degree of romantic-style interaction...I'll be honest).

If you're making your decisions based on personal conviction, you may feel torn, and you may feel like you're making a huge sacrifice, but you may fully well not actually regret the decision, even though it sucked to have to make it.

Alright, enough of my pragmatic preaching. I'm sorry it's rough for you guys.

drex said...

*e-hugs* It's hard, but I have faith that ultimately you made the right decision. If you don't believe that the Gospel as it stands revealed to us at this time and for us is true, then ruling out Option A is ridiculous; if, however, you have faith in the Gospel as revealed for our time, then Option B is the only choice that will allow you lasting, eternal joy. Momentary joy is but a cheap imitation - and that's certainly saying something.

Obviously I have never been in your position, and I honestly hope I'm never faced with such a conundrum. But I believe that Option B was the right choice to make, and while you might be missing out on some fantastic and glorious experiences now, I have faith (and hope beyond hope) that the trade is worth it in the end.