So, recently I was reading one of the few blogs I still keep up on and the poster was talking about prospects for a heterosexual marriage. I've been taking inventory of that one in the back of my mind to see where I stand on it at the moment.
Right now, I don't really see it happening. I'm in my mid-30s now. I'm pretty good at not being attracted to the opposite sex. I've determined that if the Lord intends for that to happen, then He is going to have to produce the miracle for me. I've done all that I can. I've tried my best with dating and such to get on the "straight" bandwagon, but it just feels awkward and unnatural. I've done everything I can possibly come up with to meet and be attracted to a girl. I don't know what else to do. So, I'm leaving it in His hands. If marriage happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.
With this in mind, I've had to begin the process of organizing my psyche so that I can deal with being single for the rest of my life. That's a tough one. I've always held out this vision, this hope for the seemingly impossible. That is what has always driven me and kept me going down the path that I have been going down. It has propelled me forward in my career and in my investments, always driving me to be ready to support a family. It is one of the things that has helped me retain my testimony at times when it has been very shakey. There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to have my own children.
So now I have to reorganize things. What am I going to live for now? What are my sights going to be set on? What's my motivation?
I'm still working those things out. It's a daunting task. I need to find new things that engage my interest enough that I will see them in such a way to inspire me to work for them.
One thing that has percolated to the top of the sea of endless choices are my nieces. Both of my brothers had babies this year. Well, their wives had the babies, my brothers just helped to make them. The whole family lives up in Utah in the Provo-ish area. This year as I've received emails of pictures of the girls as they have grown (one is 11 months, the other is 6 months) I have felt this great tugging at my heart. And I must interject that they truely are the cutest children to have ever been created. Sorry, everyone else. Yours are homely compared to these two. :P Anyway, I want to be around my family more. I want to see these little girls grow up. I want to be the cool uncle that they love to see. Since I don't have children of my own, I want them to be a part of my life, to fill that void.
This one thing has given me motivation in the business I've been trying to start. I'm declaring the business of 2007 to be a failure, and I'm starting anew with a new plan and a new partner in 2008. I need to live here in So Cal to get this business to succeed. I can't do it in Utah. The market won't support it. I can't move to be closer to my family. So, I need to have success in my business so that I can afford to go visit them much more frequently.
The desire for family, even though it's not my own blood, can still be a inspiration for me in various aspects of my life. I'm going to be the best darn uncle this world has ever seen.
Now, if I could just convince the capital investors of that...
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6 comments:
You could be the fun uncle - or funcle :)
There are also children in southern California who could benefit from your generous heart. I'm sure there are many volunteer opportunities available to work with children.
And being gay and single does not necessarily rule out fatherhood. You can't have your own biological children, of course, but you could consider becoming a foster parent, possibly even adopt.
Your investments will definitely need to take into account retirement homes (Assisted Living) and health care.
Neither of them are cheap but with proper planning you can definitely afford someone to change your diapers for you in your old age.
I think I'm lucky in that I'm sure to go by heart disease WELL before I'm too old and feeble.
Stupid Genetics.
I like that - the funcle.
I really should get back into some volunteer work. Before I went back for my MBA I used to volunteer my services as a mechancial engineer to a rehabilitation engineering center. We were building various mobility assistance products. Most notably an arm movement assisting device for MS sufferers. Unfortunately they moved their offices while I was in school, and it's too far for me to get to now.
I dunno. Unless I was wealthy and semi-retired, I don't think I could do the single-parent foster/adoption thing. Granted, a single parent good home is probably infinitely better than a 2-parent crappy home.
OOSM, at the rate I'm going, I will be in an assisted living home with golden bedpans. They will feed me grapes and caviar - albeit in a blender, but feed it to me nonetheless!
I've actually considered becoming a racecar driver when I hit 65. That way I'll die in an amazing ball of flame rather than incapacitated in a nursing home.
Thanks for posting this. I've actually been thinking along the same lines. How selfish my motives seem to be sometimes and looking outward to direct the love I feel and find ways to use my energy for others. I realize it sounds, to some, like a pathetic attempt to fill a gap in our lives, but it doesn't have to be that way, I don't think. Maybe I'll post more on it...
Keep your options open. Nobody wants to, it seems, but I think it's the best way to go.
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