17 July 2007


Warning: This is a woe-is-me, whiney post. So if you read it, prepare yourself. And yes, I purposely crafted one of the paragraphs so I could use the word "gallimaufry."

No One Mourns the Wicked

No One Mourns the Wicked
No cries "They won't return"
No one lays a lily on their grave
The good man scorns the wicked
Through their lives our children learn
What we miss when we misbehave

And Goodness knows
The Wicked's lives are lonely
Goodness knows
The Wicked die alone
It just shows when you're wicked
You're left lonely, On your own

Those are the lyrics from the opening song of the Broadway musical Wicked. I've been listening to the soundtrack lately (yes, yes, Broadway musicals, another one of my gay traits) and the other day these words struck me as decidedly poignant.

I think they struck me because I've had it on my mind lately about how alone I am. I wrote a post on overcoming loneliness a couple of weeks ago. I wrote it because I was feeling particularly down and wanted to get some thoughts out there on what I needed to do to get out of the funk I was in. And the last line of the second stanza "You're left lonely, On your own" hit a chord with me.

I think this all came to bear after I started meeting other mohos. It started after I met and fell in love with John. I finally realized the missing piece in my life. The piece of someone else joined with me. Then when I made the decision to follow the church's teachings as they stand, I gave up that piece. Only after using my heart for what it was meant did I finally feel it truly break.

I have since then worked through all those emotions, and I can honestly say that I am not in love with him any more. I hold him dearly in my heart as a good friend, but I am no longer in a state of love. But, now that I've experienced that emotion, I am left with feeling the absence of that emotion. And that is what hurts. Being out of love is much worse than never having been in love.

If being left lonely and alone is a result of being wicked, then since I am lonely and alone have I been wicked?

Is there something in particular I have done to become that way? Or is it just a gallimaufry of minor deeds that have culminated into a general state of wickedness?

Am I going to die alone?


playasinmar said...

Only after using my heart for what it was meant...

...my heart for what it was meant...

...what it was meant...

Max Power said...

why are you fading into the distance...

...fading into the distance...


Gimple said...

Max, the pain goes away eventually, but it takes a lot of time. I can finally say that I am completely over my first love (it took probably about 4 or 5 months). By that I mean, the feelings of emptiness and having nothing to replace them with. I suggest that you do something you really love when you feel lonely. For me, it was going swimming. It was very therapeutic for me. I hope all goes well with you and hopefully I'll get to see you when you are back in Utah again.

swclme said...

Yes, it can be horrible. I am still lamenting the true love of my life. I met him twelve years ago, and I told him eleven years ago that I couldn't be a Mormon and still love him and be with him. It still hurts today.

salad said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely...but you do have great taste in musicals. WICKED! is my favorite and I listen to it to help me feel better. Just listen to track 18 and know that you have changed the lives of so many for good.

Le Mec said...

Max, thank you for this post--so much. It's funny because I have been planning to do a Wicked post for a long time, since a lot of the songs resonate with me. One of the musical's messages is that the "good" and "wicked" are not always true to their labels, and that people are more complex than being simply "good" or "bad". When I came out to myself I got the Wicked soundtrack at the same time and the same lines stood out to me, and I felt like I was the wicked one. But don't feel that way. You're a human being with feelings and emotions, and I have a lot of respect for you because of the choices you make and the way you live your life. Bon courage mon frère!