21 June 2009

Judge Mental

I've gone through some of my old entries, and boy are there some doozies! It makes me sit back and think about where I was back then, why I wrote the way I did, and what my status is with some of those things now. It makes me ponder what life lessons I have learned through everything.

I would have to say that probably the biggest life lesson that I have learned since finding the gay Mormon blogosphere, coming out to my family and friends, struggling with the anger and angst of being a gay Mormon, and finally entering into a wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams, is the lesson of not being judgmental.

I would dare say that when I started down this road, I was one of the most judgmental people on the planet. I would say that I even had the distinction of earning the title Judge Mental. Seriously. I was a nut case. I was more than willing, happy and eager to point out all of the flaws that I saw in everyone who wasn't the outstanding, upright Mormon that I was. I even ruined a few potentially good friendships because of this, most notably with Elbow (if you ever read this, Elbow, I am publicly apologizing for the twit that I was to you).

But, now that I'm on the other side of the tunnel and am in a much happier and peaceful place, I can see my errors. And, I now have a much greater ability to see people who are in the angry, angsty (and oft times offensive) state that I was in a few years ago, and I don't get irritated with them. I feel compassion for them. It doesn't bother me when they make judgments on me and spew their venom. I understand them. I know where they are coming from. And I feel for the them and the pain they are feeling inside.

I would just implore all you mohos out there to not be judgmental of other mohos and the choices they make for their lives. Everyone is different. Everyone has a different path to walk. Just because someone's path may be different than yours doesn't mean that they aren't doing what God wants them to do with their life.


playasinmar said...

I think everyone learns the same lesson during their transition from Gay Mormon to Actually Gay Mormon.

MoHoHawaii said...

One of the weirdest things that ever happened was when my college-age son and I were going through some old boxes and he found a copy of the Book of Mormon with his mother's and my photo pasted in the front with our testimonies. The photo was older than he was. This was from one of those ward missionary projects where everyone had to make a bunch of these personalized books and give them to the missionaries to hand out.

The stiff smiles in the photo and the boilerplate confession of faith (including set phrases!) sent me back years. I recalled the person I was at the time of the photo-- closeted, nearly suicidal, and just barely managing to keep the cognitive dissonance from leaking out. And judgmental.

My son was not raised in the church, so the whole thing was extra strange to him. I looked at him sheepishly and gave a what-can-you-do kind of shrug. It was awkward and funny at the same time.

Anyway, changes can be profound. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I think it's great that you are confronting the before and after.