23 June 2009

Didn't Expect That One

Wow! I did NOT expect the question that was asked of me today, and therefore didn't have an answer for it. It made me think all afternoon, and I still haven't come to a complete answer yet.

The person who asked me the question is a coworker of mine who is a lesbian. She and her partner worked the company booth at LA Pride with D and I last week. I hadn't talked with her very much before then. But, after two hours in the booth, chatting in between visitors, I got to know her a bit more. She is a pretty interesting person. I'll call her Consuela.

Today was my monthly lunch outing with one of the other guys from the work GLBT group. I'll call him Steve. Consuela had mentioned to me that she'd like to go out to lunch sometime to chat some more, so I invited her to come with Steve and I today. We spent an hour and a half (oops) eating and chatting at Chipotle (mmmmmm, so tasty...) and enjoying each other's company.

Well, apparently between our time in the booth last weekend and lunch today, Consuela deemed me to be a pretty decent person, because here is the question she asked me later in the afternoon on Facebook: "I was wondering if you ever thought of being a donor?"

What? Like a kidney or bone marrow?



So, would I ever be a sperm donor for a lesbian couple?

First of all, I was extremely flattered that I was even asked that question. Apparently I am charming to all women, straight and lesbian. ;) Then, after I got over my flatteredness (?) I started thinking about it. And thinking hard.

On the one hand, at this point in my life I probably won't be able to father my own kids. Obviously, D does not have the biology conducive to something like that. And, as we have researched donor eggs and surrogate mothers, we have found that it is out of our financial powers - unless there is some majorly wealthy moho benefactor out there who wants to pitch in $150k. Any takers? So, in order for me to pass along these fabulous genetics of mine, it seems that sperm donor is about the only realistic avenue.

On the other hand, I don't know if I could live with the thought of knowing I had a son/daughter of my own flesh and blood out there who wasn't a part of my life. Maybe I would have visiting rights, but for legal reasons I would probably have to sign away my parental rights.

Would if they turned out to be lousy parents, and I had no rights and could only sit back and watch disaster fall upon my only offspring? Then again, would if they turned out to be wonderful parents and I was able to be involved in the child's life?

So many thoughts are racing through my head over this one.

What do you guys/gals think? I'm open to thoughts/concerns from all sides of the spectrum.


Abelard Enigma said...

You could answer that you'd be willing to consider being a donor on condition that you be involved in raising the child. Of course, that also means you'd be responsible for paying child support.

Heck, you could donate to both women with the understanding (in writing) that they raise one child and you and D raise the other.

These are different times. A lot of the old ways of doing things don't necessarily apply anymore.

Austin said...

I really don't feel like anyone, let alone me, can really give you any advice.

but i will anyway:)

Personally I would be honored and jump on that opportunity if I knew the women well enough and could know with certainty that they would raise that child well.
I understand the desire you would have to be involved in this child's life, but in my mind that would be pretty hard on the child.
This child is coming into this world to have two moms who love him/her. They want their family dynamic to be taken seriously; to be just as good as a hetero family. But if I step in as the father then the child is confused about its parental structure. It then has two moms, who are in love and married/committed, and then a father. So then someone has to explain why its not good enough to just have two moms.

I would want to remain close friends with that couple and their new child, but stay uninvolved in their parenting.

I mean after all, once you donate, you've given them the child. Technique you aren't even the father. Your just the man that gave those women the best gift of all.

But if you decide you do want to be involved, there are all sorts of legal agreements that can be reached between you and the mothers before you donate.

You'll make the right choice for you :)

Esquire said...

Max- I haven't commented on your blog in years...so be patient w me. Advice is a strange thing...take it or leave it, I suppose. Right?

Being a 'donor' dosen't really mean you would have a child out there. Yes, you are biologically responsible for the creation of a baby, but it's ultimately the parenting that makes that child 'yours'.

I've recently been asked to adopt my younger sister's baby as she is 16 and not able to be a mom right now. I struggled for weeks trying to decide if it would be 'wise' to raise my sister's kid. After counseling, advice, and soul-searching, I eventually came to the realization that...even though it was my sister's offspring biologically, it would be my kid, and naturally so due to upbringing. My sister would simply be the vehicle by which that child was brought to my family.

That being said...what an honor it would be to bless the lives of two women who want to raise a child. No rights, no visitation, no responsibilities either...no strings. Not much more than donating blood. It is an unconditional gift of life. And they chose you. :)

That's how I see it.

BTW- They would be lucky to have a kid with half your genes. From all I know you've got some amazing qualities and attributes about you.