I really, truly hope that all of you attended the Priesthood session of General Conference tonight. I just got home (with my post-Conference smoothie from Jamba Juice) and had to say what an amazing experience it was.
You know how you usually sit in conference and throughout a session one or two of the talks will be meaningful to you? Well, I dare say that every talk at Priesthood session tonight hit me in some meaningful way. I especially loved Elder Hales talk. I don't have one of those photographic memories, so I can't sit here quoting him. But, the main theme that I got out of his talk was honoring your Priesthood. He talked about how you need to realize what an honor it is, and that you should always be aware that you bare it. And as you go about in your life, you should always question the places you go and "Should I take my Priesthood there?"
There were so many amazing things said tonight. I really hope that all of my struggling MoHo friends paid attention. I have read so many things in people's blogs detailing their struggles and challenges. All of us MoHos have pretty much the same issues. Every single one of those struggles and challenges had answers given in the talks tonight. All of them.
And the closing song that the choir sang brought tears to my eyes. It was so amazingly beautiful.
Honor your Priesthood. Be the man that God has ordained you to be.
31 March 2007
28 March 2007
I Didn't Know They Could Do That!
I just had the funniest conversation EVER with a friend of mine. She called, very panicked about something. She asked me where the nearest hospital was. I blurted out phrases such as "Holy crap!" "What's wrong?" "Are you okay?"
She didn't answer right away, but she was kind of laughing. I was very confused. E, are you okay!? Tell me what's wrong! Then, jokingly, "Are you pregnant?"
"Well, actually, that's not too far from the truth. Okay, um, do you promise not to tell anyone? You are the only guy that's going to know this."
"Tell me. What can I do to help you?"
"Well, I lost a tampon. Inside of me." She bust out laughing, and so did I.
"How did you do that? Wait, maybe I don't want to know. Don't they have a little string on the end so that doesn't happen?"
"Yeah, but if you move around in the right way during the day the freaking string disappears!"
We laughed and laughed. I told her that she made my day. I got her the phone number of an ob-gyn in our ward.
Too funny.
She didn't answer right away, but she was kind of laughing. I was very confused. E, are you okay!? Tell me what's wrong! Then, jokingly, "Are you pregnant?"
"Well, actually, that's not too far from the truth. Okay, um, do you promise not to tell anyone? You are the only guy that's going to know this."
"Tell me. What can I do to help you?"
"Well, I lost a tampon. Inside of me." She bust out laughing, and so did I.
"How did you do that? Wait, maybe I don't want to know. Don't they have a little string on the end so that doesn't happen?"
"Yeah, but if you move around in the right way during the day the freaking string disappears!"
We laughed and laughed. I told her that she made my day. I got her the phone number of an ob-gyn in our ward.
Too funny.
It's Done
We had our last coversation on the phone tonight. I actually wasn't all that broken up about it. I had prayed really hard last night. I bore my soul to God and begged for help. The amazing thing was that I felt great all day today. No sadness. No regret for the decision I was making. I knew that I had to break it off before I did something stupid.
We talked about random stuff for a while, skirting around the real issue at hand. I won't bore you with the details, since all of my other posts are usually too freaking long. In the end I just told him that I had a goal that I was pursuing and that I hoped he would respect that I didn't want anything to deter me from that. I could tell that it hurt him a little, but he asked me to keep his phone number and call him if I ever changed my mind.
I almost said "see you later" when I hung up, but caught myself and just said "goodbye."
I feel so relieved.
We talked about random stuff for a while, skirting around the real issue at hand. I won't bore you with the details, since all of my other posts are usually too freaking long. In the end I just told him that I had a goal that I was pursuing and that I hoped he would respect that I didn't want anything to deter me from that. I could tell that it hurt him a little, but he asked me to keep his phone number and call him if I ever changed my mind.
I almost said "see you later" when I hung up, but caught myself and just said "goodbye."
I feel so relieved.
"Historic Announcement" this weekend
I've heard rumors that there will be an "historic announcement" at General Conference this weekend. I've heard the speculation of what it might be. Who knows.
But, if it turns out that the announcement is "gay couples are awesome," who wants to be the first to make out with me? =D
But, if it turns out that the announcement is "gay couples are awesome," who wants to be the first to make out with me? =D
And it came to pass
I think I'm going to entitle all of my blogs "And it came to pass" from now on.
It was late when I wrote my post on Monday night, so I don't think that all of my ideas came across very clearly. One thing I need to reiterate is what an incredible feeling it was to sit there and have someone tell me how much I made their life better. I have NEVER had anyone compliment me like that. EVER. I absolutely melted. It threw my brain and emotions into a place they have never been. Have any of you single people out there (excluding drex and salad) ever had anyone express those emotions to you? It's an amazing feeling.
I called my sister and chatted with her while I was driving home from work yesterday. It was a good conversation. I brought her up to speed on my friend and what I'm feeling about it right now. She had a lot of advice for me. General advice about having faith in my patriarchal blessing, having faith that I'm chosing the right, blah, blah, blah. Superficially I know that it was good advice, but I was kind of ignoring it. I wanted to have a pity party, and she wasn't playing along.
Anyway, so after I hung up with her, not 5 minutes later HE calls me. It turns out that he did not receive my email yesterday because he stayed home from work. He called to probe my feelings about the kiss he had given me. So, I basically gave him an oral version of the email. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was a deep, soul-searching conversation. He couldn't really come to an understanding as to why I felt the way I did. He explained a lot of things to me about his coming out process, and I have to say it opened my eyes a little to my own.
He also opened my eyes to something I haven't been fully admitting to myself - I am deeply attracted to him and want much more than just a friendship. He called me out on saying that I just wanted to be friends. He said, "I can tell when people are just friendly to me, and when they want more than that. I can see it in your eyes and in your body language whenever we are together that you want more out of this than just a casual friendship." I was speechless at that. I told him that I wasn't sure how to respond to that and that he would have to wait for a response.
He told me that he was very attracted to me, that he felt safe around me, and that he longed to be with me and share more of himself. At one point I told him that I also found him very attractive. He stopped me and said something to the effect of if we're both gay, and are both attracted to each other, there is no way that it's going to stop at just a casual friendship.
There were so many things said in that conversation that came back to the concept of if we continue seeing each other it will become much more than what I'm telling myself it would be.
Fast-forward to today. He was at work today, so he read my email. His response to it was: "I have so much to tell you in response to your email and our conversation last night. If I can sum it up in one sentence it would be: Give me a chance! Or perhaps: Give us a chance! You're the best!"
I think I need to take JG's advice and cut my losses and run.
It was late when I wrote my post on Monday night, so I don't think that all of my ideas came across very clearly. One thing I need to reiterate is what an incredible feeling it was to sit there and have someone tell me how much I made their life better. I have NEVER had anyone compliment me like that. EVER. I absolutely melted. It threw my brain and emotions into a place they have never been. Have any of you single people out there (excluding drex and salad) ever had anyone express those emotions to you? It's an amazing feeling.
I called my sister and chatted with her while I was driving home from work yesterday. It was a good conversation. I brought her up to speed on my friend and what I'm feeling about it right now. She had a lot of advice for me. General advice about having faith in my patriarchal blessing, having faith that I'm chosing the right, blah, blah, blah. Superficially I know that it was good advice, but I was kind of ignoring it. I wanted to have a pity party, and she wasn't playing along.
Anyway, so after I hung up with her, not 5 minutes later HE calls me. It turns out that he did not receive my email yesterday because he stayed home from work. He called to probe my feelings about the kiss he had given me. So, I basically gave him an oral version of the email. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was a deep, soul-searching conversation. He couldn't really come to an understanding as to why I felt the way I did. He explained a lot of things to me about his coming out process, and I have to say it opened my eyes a little to my own.
He also opened my eyes to something I haven't been fully admitting to myself - I am deeply attracted to him and want much more than just a friendship. He called me out on saying that I just wanted to be friends. He said, "I can tell when people are just friendly to me, and when they want more than that. I can see it in your eyes and in your body language whenever we are together that you want more out of this than just a casual friendship." I was speechless at that. I told him that I wasn't sure how to respond to that and that he would have to wait for a response.
He told me that he was very attracted to me, that he felt safe around me, and that he longed to be with me and share more of himself. At one point I told him that I also found him very attractive. He stopped me and said something to the effect of if we're both gay, and are both attracted to each other, there is no way that it's going to stop at just a casual friendship.
There were so many things said in that conversation that came back to the concept of if we continue seeing each other it will become much more than what I'm telling myself it would be.
Fast-forward to today. He was at work today, so he read my email. His response to it was: "I have so much to tell you in response to your email and our conversation last night. If I can sum it up in one sentence it would be: Give me a chance! Or perhaps: Give us a chance! You're the best!"
I think I need to take JG's advice and cut my losses and run.
27 March 2007
The Easy Let-down
Here's the email I sent to my friend from yesterday's post.
-----------------------------
xxxxx,
Thanks again for dinner last night. You are too kind. I need to fill you in on a little additional info. I really like you. You are a generous, friendly and good-looking guy. Even though we don't know each other all that well, I want you to realize the trust that I put in you by letting you know last night that I was gay. Like I said, I only came out to my parents a few weeks ago. There are only a handful of people on this planet who know. It's just not something that I've ever been really comfortable talking about in the past. I would hope that you respect that confidence that I placed in you by telling you last night.
I need to explain a little more about what it means to be Mormon and gay. It's not at all easy. My beliefs, my faith, teach me about what the true purpose of this life is. We lived before we were born on this earth. God is the Father and Creator of our spirits. We lived with him and interacted with him just like children do with their parents here on this earth. In time, we recognized that we wanted to be like him, and he gave us that opportunity. Just as Jesus had after the resurrection, God has a body of flesh and bone. It's perfected and immortal, unlike the mortal flesh that we have. He presented a plan to us whereby we would be able to come to earth, gain a body, experience mortal life, and then return to live with him in the same state that he was in. The purpose of this life is to become more like our Heavenly Father.
Part of this plan involves the creation of families here on the earth. A man and a woman get married and raise children. They are participating with God in the miracle of creation by having children. The family unit is the key point to God's plan. In order for us to to obtain our full potential to be more like God, it's requisite that we create our own family unit (in the traditional definition) - husband, wife, children.
This is where the difficulties come with being gay. The natural side of me has inclinations towards other men. On the other hand, my spiritual side has inclinations towards having a family in the traditional manner. So which do I choose? It's been a tough debate my entire life, but over time I came to the decision that what I wanted most out of this life is spiritual peace - the knowledge that I'm doing what will be good for me beyond this mortal existance. I chose to not live the gay lifestyle. I chose to keep on searching for a special girl to marry and raise a family with. I chose the path that most people in this world would call crazy and illogical. But that's what I chose. I'll be honest, the debate still rages on inside of my head, but I always come back to the decision that I made originally as being the best one for me.
So, what's my point in all of this? Well, I go back to last night when you gave me the hug goodnight and kissed me on the neck. I'll be honest, part of me wanted a whole lot more. But based on the choices I have made, I don't want our friendship to become romantic - which I think it easily could, at least from my perspective. I want to be your friend. You're a great guy. But I don't want it to go beyond that. Maybe I'm just an idiot and reading too much into your gesture last night. If so, I am embarrassed and apologize and you can feel free to call me an idiot. I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from and the life choices I have made.
me
-----------------------------------
I hope he takes it well. I would hate to crush him. But, I thought it more important to make sure that I stick with my choices and work out my own salvation than to keep on going with something that might get me in trouble.
-----------------------------
xxxxx,
Thanks again for dinner last night. You are too kind. I need to fill you in on a little additional info. I really like you. You are a generous, friendly and good-looking guy. Even though we don't know each other all that well, I want you to realize the trust that I put in you by letting you know last night that I was gay. Like I said, I only came out to my parents a few weeks ago. There are only a handful of people on this planet who know. It's just not something that I've ever been really comfortable talking about in the past. I would hope that you respect that confidence that I placed in you by telling you last night.
I need to explain a little more about what it means to be Mormon and gay. It's not at all easy. My beliefs, my faith, teach me about what the true purpose of this life is. We lived before we were born on this earth. God is the Father and Creator of our spirits. We lived with him and interacted with him just like children do with their parents here on this earth. In time, we recognized that we wanted to be like him, and he gave us that opportunity. Just as Jesus had after the resurrection, God has a body of flesh and bone. It's perfected and immortal, unlike the mortal flesh that we have. He presented a plan to us whereby we would be able to come to earth, gain a body, experience mortal life, and then return to live with him in the same state that he was in. The purpose of this life is to become more like our Heavenly Father.
Part of this plan involves the creation of families here on the earth. A man and a woman get married and raise children. They are participating with God in the miracle of creation by having children. The family unit is the key point to God's plan. In order for us to to obtain our full potential to be more like God, it's requisite that we create our own family unit (in the traditional definition) - husband, wife, children.
This is where the difficulties come with being gay. The natural side of me has inclinations towards other men. On the other hand, my spiritual side has inclinations towards having a family in the traditional manner. So which do I choose? It's been a tough debate my entire life, but over time I came to the decision that what I wanted most out of this life is spiritual peace - the knowledge that I'm doing what will be good for me beyond this mortal existance. I chose to not live the gay lifestyle. I chose to keep on searching for a special girl to marry and raise a family with. I chose the path that most people in this world would call crazy and illogical. But that's what I chose. I'll be honest, the debate still rages on inside of my head, but I always come back to the decision that I made originally as being the best one for me.
So, what's my point in all of this? Well, I go back to last night when you gave me the hug goodnight and kissed me on the neck. I'll be honest, part of me wanted a whole lot more. But based on the choices I have made, I don't want our friendship to become romantic - which I think it easily could, at least from my perspective. I want to be your friend. You're a great guy. But I don't want it to go beyond that. Maybe I'm just an idiot and reading too much into your gesture last night. If so, I am embarrassed and apologize and you can feel free to call me an idiot. I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from and the life choices I have made.
me
-----------------------------------
I hope he takes it well. I would hate to crush him. But, I thought it more important to make sure that I stick with my choices and work out my own salvation than to keep on going with something that might get me in trouble.
26 March 2007
Unexpected Events
Remember a few posts back when I talked about the gay guy I work with? Yeah, so we've hung out a few times after work since then. He's been a good friend. We went and saw 300 last week, which I must recommend to any of you who indulge in R-rated movies. The cinematography was awesome and the action was non-stop.
Anyway, so I was driving home from work tonight and he calls me up on the old cellphone. He chatted about some random stuff for a little while, and I could tell he was skirting around something. Finally he says, "Now, you've told me that you are Mormon. I don't know much about Mormons. Tell me about your church."
That kind of caught me off guard. I said, "Well, do you have several hours to talk?" He said yes, so I rattled off a few introductory statements and then exploded into a first discussion. It was wild. I was driving home, cellphone in one hand, steering wheel in the other, fighting traffic and trying to sound as sincere and spiritual as I could given my current situation. I told him about God and his love for us. I told him about prophets. I told him about Joseph Smith. I told him about the Book of Mormon. I told him that he didn't have to take anybodies word for it, but he could study it and pray about it himself.
He was enthralled in the conversation and agreed whole-heartedly to read the Book of Mormon. Then he said, "Well, this is all really interesting to me, but I do have to ask you one question. What is the Mormon's stance with homosexuals?"
There were approximately 12,587 things that went through my mind in that instant. I paused for a moment, collected my thoughts, and then told him that I was a gay Mormon. I explained that the church welcomes and accepts all people, but there are certain lifestyle choices that are not accepted. I told him that based on many very spiritual experiences I have had in my life I had made the decision to live as a Mormon should. He told me that a friends of his had always berated Mormons and our anti-gay policies. I explained that they weren't anti-gay policies, they were anti-certain-types-of-behavior policies that apply to everyone, not just gay people. He went on to explain how he just couldn't accept what other people were telling him because I was nice and every time he sees and talks to me it puts a smile on his face and makes him feel good all day. Wow. I've never had a girl tell me that. It really made me feel good.
So we talked a bit more about the church, but I was getting bad reception on my phone so I asked if he wanted to just meet somewhere for dinner and we could chat. We met up at this really good little Mexican restaurant (ohh, how I love Mexican food) and spent the next 2 hours talking. We talked more about the church, I talked about my mission, we talked about work and just our lives in general. All in all it was a fun evening. I got to bear my testimony, I committed him to read the Book of Mormon, and we became closer friends.
Here's the part where I say, "uh-oh, this can't be good." I grab my leftovers and he his and we walk out to my car. I put my stuff in the car, and turn around to say goodnight. He gives me a hug in just a casual, friendly manner and thanks me for meeting up and talking. We separate, and then he says, "wait a minute, I need to give you another hug." I said okay, not thinking anything of it. Well, he hugs me again, but in a more than friendly way, and kisses me on the neck. That caught me completely off guard. We separated and I just smiled and said goodnight and went home. I didn't want to enjoy it, but I really did.
Genesis 21
1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.
2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
D&C 101
4 Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.
Is this my Abrahamic test?
Help.
Anyway, so I was driving home from work tonight and he calls me up on the old cellphone. He chatted about some random stuff for a little while, and I could tell he was skirting around something. Finally he says, "Now, you've told me that you are Mormon. I don't know much about Mormons. Tell me about your church."
That kind of caught me off guard. I said, "Well, do you have several hours to talk?" He said yes, so I rattled off a few introductory statements and then exploded into a first discussion. It was wild. I was driving home, cellphone in one hand, steering wheel in the other, fighting traffic and trying to sound as sincere and spiritual as I could given my current situation. I told him about God and his love for us. I told him about prophets. I told him about Joseph Smith. I told him about the Book of Mormon. I told him that he didn't have to take anybodies word for it, but he could study it and pray about it himself.
He was enthralled in the conversation and agreed whole-heartedly to read the Book of Mormon. Then he said, "Well, this is all really interesting to me, but I do have to ask you one question. What is the Mormon's stance with homosexuals?"
There were approximately 12,587 things that went through my mind in that instant. I paused for a moment, collected my thoughts, and then told him that I was a gay Mormon. I explained that the church welcomes and accepts all people, but there are certain lifestyle choices that are not accepted. I told him that based on many very spiritual experiences I have had in my life I had made the decision to live as a Mormon should. He told me that a friends of his had always berated Mormons and our anti-gay policies. I explained that they weren't anti-gay policies, they were anti-certain-types-of-behavior policies that apply to everyone, not just gay people. He went on to explain how he just couldn't accept what other people were telling him because I was nice and every time he sees and talks to me it puts a smile on his face and makes him feel good all day. Wow. I've never had a girl tell me that. It really made me feel good.
So we talked a bit more about the church, but I was getting bad reception on my phone so I asked if he wanted to just meet somewhere for dinner and we could chat. We met up at this really good little Mexican restaurant (ohh, how I love Mexican food) and spent the next 2 hours talking. We talked more about the church, I talked about my mission, we talked about work and just our lives in general. All in all it was a fun evening. I got to bear my testimony, I committed him to read the Book of Mormon, and we became closer friends.
Here's the part where I say, "uh-oh, this can't be good." I grab my leftovers and he his and we walk out to my car. I put my stuff in the car, and turn around to say goodnight. He gives me a hug in just a casual, friendly manner and thanks me for meeting up and talking. We separate, and then he says, "wait a minute, I need to give you another hug." I said okay, not thinking anything of it. Well, he hugs me again, but in a more than friendly way, and kisses me on the neck. That caught me completely off guard. We separated and I just smiled and said goodnight and went home. I didn't want to enjoy it, but I really did.
Genesis 21
1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.
2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
D&C 101
4 Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.
Is this my Abrahamic test?
Help.
One of *those* Sundays
Ever have one of *those* Sunday's? You know the type I'm talking about. It should be great. The sun is shining. You had a good day with friends on Saturday. You get up early enough to actually make it to church on time. And in spite of all of the things going for you, you just aren't feeling it during church.
I wanted to feel the Spirit today, but I can't say that I was very successful. I should have felt the Spirit throughout testimony meeting. There were some really good ones that touched a lot of people. But not me. Not today. Instead, I had an angry devil inside of my head, and these were the reactions inside of my head to a few of the testimonies:
1) Give me a break. So what that you've been sick for a month. Big f-ing deal! Try having my disease for your entire freaking life!
2) Oh! So you met some homeless person and felt sorry for her? And in your conversation you found out that she chooses to live that way? She doesn't want any help? She doesn't want to change? Well, lah-dee-freaking-dah! I didn't choose to have SSA. I would welcome change, but it's not going to happen!
3) Really? I just have to get married? Gee! I never thought of getting married! How could I be so dumb?! Of course that's why I have the problems I do and your life is endless bliss. You are so f-ing wise! Please live my life for me!
The cynicism really got the best of me today. I hate that. I wasted a perfectly good Sunday where I could have felt the Spirit and been recharged for the week. But, for some reason, something wasn't working right in the old cranium today.
I hate wasting a good Sunday.
I wanted to feel the Spirit today, but I can't say that I was very successful. I should have felt the Spirit throughout testimony meeting. There were some really good ones that touched a lot of people. But not me. Not today. Instead, I had an angry devil inside of my head, and these were the reactions inside of my head to a few of the testimonies:
1) Give me a break. So what that you've been sick for a month. Big f-ing deal! Try having my disease for your entire freaking life!
2) Oh! So you met some homeless person and felt sorry for her? And in your conversation you found out that she chooses to live that way? She doesn't want any help? She doesn't want to change? Well, lah-dee-freaking-dah! I didn't choose to have SSA. I would welcome change, but it's not going to happen!
3) Really? I just have to get married? Gee! I never thought of getting married! How could I be so dumb?! Of course that's why I have the problems I do and your life is endless bliss. You are so f-ing wise! Please live my life for me!
The cynicism really got the best of me today. I hate that. I wasted a perfectly good Sunday where I could have felt the Spirit and been recharged for the week. But, for some reason, something wasn't working right in the old cranium today.
I hate wasting a good Sunday.
24 March 2007
In The Journey
One of my favorite songs by Martin Sexton
"In The Journey"
Met an old friend last night, had a cup of coffee
We talked about all the things that had been going on
We talked about the old days, we talked about the new days
We talked just about anything but what was really going on
After ten long minutes that slowly passed us by
The tension in the air I could cut it with a knife
Staring out the window and gazing at the menu
Suddenly he called my name and he looked me in the eye
He said, "I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I've been.
And there's one long road that I traveled just to see you again.
I said I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been.
And it seems I got a little trouble and I need you my friend."
And then he talked to me, he really talked to me
He said, "I've been thinking about all of my drinking.
About all those good things I've just let slip away.
First it was a good job and then it was the woman that I loved.
Then it was my car and all the material things."
And suddenly tears welled up as he did surrender
He cried, "I finally lost the only thing I ever really had."
He said, "I lost myself in the madness."
And now I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been
And it's one long road that I traveled to see you again
No, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been
And it seems I got a little trouble and I need to talk to you again
Oh, it's in the journey that we see there's no destination
It's in the journey that we find our true love
It's in the journey that we learn we can do it alone, can do it alone
Still gotta dig deep down inside and lose my pride
Well we don't know where we're going
We don't know just where we've been
We gotta dig deep down inside
Can't do it alone
We gotta dig deep down inside
"In The Journey"
Met an old friend last night, had a cup of coffee
We talked about all the things that had been going on
We talked about the old days, we talked about the new days
We talked just about anything but what was really going on
After ten long minutes that slowly passed us by
The tension in the air I could cut it with a knife
Staring out the window and gazing at the menu
Suddenly he called my name and he looked me in the eye
He said, "I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I've been.
And there's one long road that I traveled just to see you again.
I said I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been.
And it seems I got a little trouble and I need you my friend."
And then he talked to me, he really talked to me
He said, "I've been thinking about all of my drinking.
About all those good things I've just let slip away.
First it was a good job and then it was the woman that I loved.
Then it was my car and all the material things."
And suddenly tears welled up as he did surrender
He cried, "I finally lost the only thing I ever really had."
He said, "I lost myself in the madness."
And now I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been
And it's one long road that I traveled to see you again
No, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been
And it seems I got a little trouble and I need to talk to you again
Oh, it's in the journey that we see there's no destination
It's in the journey that we find our true love
It's in the journey that we learn we can do it alone, can do it alone
Still gotta dig deep down inside and lose my pride
Well we don't know where we're going
We don't know just where we've been
We gotta dig deep down inside
Can't do it alone
We gotta dig deep down inside
22 March 2007
The Word of Wisdom: UNMASKED!!!
This week I have finally figured out why coffee is on the list and Dr. Pepper is not. It has nothing to do with caffeine content or tanic acid. Nothing whatsoever! Are you ready for this?
It's your breath! How can you attract someone and get married if you have stinky breath? You can't! Therefore, you shouldn't drink coffee!!!
My coffee-drinking coworkers all have the nastiest breath on the planet. It makes me cringe when I have to have conversations with some of them. Ugh! Somebody please cauterize my olefactory receptors before I have to go back to work tomorrow! Aaargh! I can't stand it any more!
Coworkers ==> coffee ==> bad breath
Me ==> Dr. Pepper ==> breath better than grandma's sweet apple pie
It's the truth. I'm going to reveal this tidbit of info next Fast and Testimony meeting.
It's your breath! How can you attract someone and get married if you have stinky breath? You can't! Therefore, you shouldn't drink coffee!!!
My coffee-drinking coworkers all have the nastiest breath on the planet. It makes me cringe when I have to have conversations with some of them. Ugh! Somebody please cauterize my olefactory receptors before I have to go back to work tomorrow! Aaargh! I can't stand it any more!
Coworkers ==> coffee ==> bad breath
Me ==> Dr. Pepper ==> breath better than grandma's sweet apple pie
It's the truth. I'm going to reveal this tidbit of info next Fast and Testimony meeting.
You will all be GREEN with envy!!
Your results:
You are Green Lantern
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
I'm just glad that I didn't turn out to be Catwoman. Whew! Dodged that bullet! I'm not nearly as gay as I thought I was.
You are Green Lantern
| Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.  |
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
I'm just glad that I didn't turn out to be Catwoman. Whew! Dodged that bullet! I'm not nearly as gay as I thought I was.
21 March 2007
To Anyone in a Crisis
I read Elbow's post today and my heart just aches for him. I know the feeling of wanting to just run away as fast and as far as you can to try and get away from yourself. Alas, as I've found out, that doesn't work. You always seem to follow yourself around, and your troubles are none too far behind.
But, if anyone EVER feels like they are absolutely going to lose it unless they get away, please, please don't do anything stupid. If you need a place to get away to for a while, So Cal is not a bad option. I have a spare room (as soon as Roomie gets married). Send me a message and if I'm going to be around, you're more than welcome to use my place as a safehouse while you regain your sanity.
I love you guys and would do anything to help you out. You don't know how much our virtual conversations have truly helped me out over the last month.
Peace.
But, if anyone EVER feels like they are absolutely going to lose it unless they get away, please, please don't do anything stupid. If you need a place to get away to for a while, So Cal is not a bad option. I have a spare room (as soon as Roomie gets married). Send me a message and if I'm going to be around, you're more than welcome to use my place as a safehouse while you regain your sanity.
I love you guys and would do anything to help you out. You don't know how much our virtual conversations have truly helped me out over the last month.
Peace.
20 March 2007
Master of Your Domain: Part 2
Okay, all of you who wanted to participate in The Contest, I need to get your email so I can add you to the private blog I set up for it. Add a comment here with the email address.
Happy Where You Are
Dude, if I lived in southern california I'd be so happy I wouldn't need friends. okay, just kidding, but Socal is pretty much the coolest thing since greek food.
Thrasius left that comment on my post about wanting some close friends and I thought that I could comment on that in a new post. Not that this comment is any analysis of him as a person, or what he wrote. The comment just started my brain thinking about what it takes for me to be happy. So, Thrasius, read this knowing that it isn't about you or your comment. It's about me and my history.
It's kind of weird the whole "being happy in the now" type of thing. People always say that you shouldn't focus on being happy when certain things get over. For example:
1. I'll finally be happy when I graduate.
2. I'll finally be happy when I earn real money.
3. I'll finally be happy when I get married.
4. I'll finally be happy when we have kids.
5. I'll finally be happy when the baby is older and sleeps through the night.
6. I'll finally be happy when he's out of the terrible twos.
7. I'll finally be happy when he's old enough so that we don't have to get a sitter.
8. I'll finally be happy when he can drive himself places.
9. I'll finally be happy when he's not a rebellious teenager anymore.
10. I'll finally be happy when he gets home from his mission.
11. I'll finally be happy when he gets married.
12. I'll finally be happy when I have grandkids.
13. I'll finally be happy when the grandkids are old enough to come spend the weekend.
14. I'll finally be happy when...
Do you see the problem? I do. People can waste away their entire lives thinking that they will be happy when some event is over. And before they know it, they are dead and were never happy during their life. I know I have fallen into that pit far too many times. It's a terrible place to be.
I lived like that for a very long time, and I regret it more than anything else. But I quit living like that. I now live a life that I hope has no regrets. If I ever have an opportunity to do something great or something unique, I take it. If I look at something and say, "This is a once in a lifetime chance," I do it. All within reason, of course. I'm not going to go out and shoot up heroin just because it's a new opportunity to try something I haven't done before. But you get my point. I changed my attitude. I changed the way I make choices about experiencing life. I chose to live happily.
Why was I always so stupid back then to not be happy living in the moment I was in? My life at BYU and in grad school at OSU could have been so much better. Why was I always yearning for the day I would graduate? Why didn't I take the time to go to the Jerusalem Center? Why didn't I take the time to try and make more friends instead of studying my a$$ of to graduate a semester early? Why didn't I participate in more activities and be more social? Why? Why was I always so focused on getting out of the situation that I was in? Why couldn't I have just found happiness where I was?
That, for the most part, has changed in me. Sure, I get down in the dumps now and again and wish for better days. But, for the most part, I live life to its fullest. For example, as you can read in my blog from yesterday, I tried out for American Inventor over the weekend. A couple of friends at mine at work thought about it, but didn't go. Now after hearing my fun stories about it, they regret not having gone up with me. Why didn't they go? So what if they were going to lose a couple hours of sleep. So what! The opportunity to do something fun like that doesn't come around very often. Would if they never do another season of the show? Then they will never have the opportunity. They missed it.
As I type this, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "Am I being hypocritical writing this while knowing that I frequently get a woe-is-me attitude about SSA?" Maybe I am being hypocritial. Maybe it's time for me to stop being hypocritical and add one more thing to the list of no regrets. I don't want to regret having wasted my life because I would finally be happy when my SSA went away, or was therapied (can therapy be a verb?) into remission.
I need to be happy just as I am. I need to be happy right now and not live one more day bemoaning SSA. No regrets for SSA. Why the hell have I wasted all these years up til now hating myself for SSA? That is lame. Someone needs to smack me upside the head.
This addition to the No Regrets list may be easier said than done, but that's what I'm going to start working on. And if I ever get whiney in my blogs about SSA again, I want people to remind me of this post.
Thrasius left that comment on my post about wanting some close friends and I thought that I could comment on that in a new post. Not that this comment is any analysis of him as a person, or what he wrote. The comment just started my brain thinking about what it takes for me to be happy. So, Thrasius, read this knowing that it isn't about you or your comment. It's about me and my history.
It's kind of weird the whole "being happy in the now" type of thing. People always say that you shouldn't focus on being happy when certain things get over. For example:
1. I'll finally be happy when I graduate.
2. I'll finally be happy when I earn real money.
3. I'll finally be happy when I get married.
4. I'll finally be happy when we have kids.
5. I'll finally be happy when the baby is older and sleeps through the night.
6. I'll finally be happy when he's out of the terrible twos.
7. I'll finally be happy when he's old enough so that we don't have to get a sitter.
8. I'll finally be happy when he can drive himself places.
9. I'll finally be happy when he's not a rebellious teenager anymore.
10. I'll finally be happy when he gets home from his mission.
11. I'll finally be happy when he gets married.
12. I'll finally be happy when I have grandkids.
13. I'll finally be happy when the grandkids are old enough to come spend the weekend.
14. I'll finally be happy when...
Do you see the problem? I do. People can waste away their entire lives thinking that they will be happy when some event is over. And before they know it, they are dead and were never happy during their life. I know I have fallen into that pit far too many times. It's a terrible place to be.
I lived like that for a very long time, and I regret it more than anything else. But I quit living like that. I now live a life that I hope has no regrets. If I ever have an opportunity to do something great or something unique, I take it. If I look at something and say, "This is a once in a lifetime chance," I do it. All within reason, of course. I'm not going to go out and shoot up heroin just because it's a new opportunity to try something I haven't done before. But you get my point. I changed my attitude. I changed the way I make choices about experiencing life. I chose to live happily.
Why was I always so stupid back then to not be happy living in the moment I was in? My life at BYU and in grad school at OSU could have been so much better. Why was I always yearning for the day I would graduate? Why didn't I take the time to go to the Jerusalem Center? Why didn't I take the time to try and make more friends instead of studying my a$$ of to graduate a semester early? Why didn't I participate in more activities and be more social? Why? Why was I always so focused on getting out of the situation that I was in? Why couldn't I have just found happiness where I was?
That, for the most part, has changed in me. Sure, I get down in the dumps now and again and wish for better days. But, for the most part, I live life to its fullest. For example, as you can read in my blog from yesterday, I tried out for American Inventor over the weekend. A couple of friends at mine at work thought about it, but didn't go. Now after hearing my fun stories about it, they regret not having gone up with me. Why didn't they go? So what if they were going to lose a couple hours of sleep. So what! The opportunity to do something fun like that doesn't come around very often. Would if they never do another season of the show? Then they will never have the opportunity. They missed it.
As I type this, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "Am I being hypocritical writing this while knowing that I frequently get a woe-is-me attitude about SSA?" Maybe I am being hypocritial. Maybe it's time for me to stop being hypocritical and add one more thing to the list of no regrets. I don't want to regret having wasted my life because I would finally be happy when my SSA went away, or was therapied (can therapy be a verb?) into remission.
I need to be happy just as I am. I need to be happy right now and not live one more day bemoaning SSA. No regrets for SSA. Why the hell have I wasted all these years up til now hating myself for SSA? That is lame. Someone needs to smack me upside the head.
This addition to the No Regrets list may be easier said than done, but that's what I'm going to start working on. And if I ever get whiney in my blogs about SSA again, I want people to remind me of this post.
19 March 2007
The 1 Day Friends
First of all, the spellchecker isn't loading up today, so this blog may be a little harder to read than most of mine. As a general rule, engineers can't spell. I think that law was discovered by Isaac Newton.
Did any of you see American Inventor last year? Well, they are doing another season this year. Auditions were in L.A. yesterday, and I'm crazy, so I decided to go to it. Hey, what better way to miss Ward Conference than to go audition for something!? It was a very interesting experience. This blog is only going to talk about the audition, so if you're looking for more SSA posts, you can skip this one. Although I do make brief mention of one of the cute judges I presented to. :)
...cue dramatic storytelling music...
It started early. VERY early. Actually, it started before that. I finally hit my pillow at 12:30am after putting the finishing touches on all of the junk I needed to take with me to the audition. I needed to get up at 4:30, so of course I had very restless sleep. You know how you'll spend those nights in the fear of sleeping through your alarm, so your body wakes up every hour? Yeah. That's how it went down.
So, 4:30 rolls around, and I roll out of bed. Roll to the bathroom. Roll into the shower. Roll into clothes. Roll into my car. And then roll to downtown Los Angeles. For some weird reason I had cinnamon rolls on my mind too. Hmmm. Anyway, I made it up to the LA Convention Center right at 6:00, got a good parking spot and went to stand in line. There were already a lot of people there. Yikes. This is going to be a looooooong day.
An older gentleman in a cheap double-breasted suit from Men's Wearhouse stood in line behind me. He was from Phoenix. We began chatting about stuff, and sure enough he was a talker. There was a girl from Salt Lake City, a guy from Long Beach, and a couple from San Diego around us, so we all became 1 Day Friends.
Phoenix, being the talker he was, soon related all of his life experiences to us. Including the time he got hit by a car 6 years ago and how he hasn't been the same since. He's a business owner and a semi-pro motivational speaker. I could see him being a good speaker. He had a lot of stories and was very animated, so he was fun to listen to.
SLC, well, she was a little bit off. Of course, I was at an inventor's audtion so should I have expected anything other than the mad scientist type? She was very nice, but when I told her I was from Utah originally she changed the subject. Hmmm, doesn't want to talk about Utah. Oh well. Her invention ideas were pretty weird too. I wouldn't have had the confidence in those ideas to drive 12 hours to pitch them.
Long Beach was one cool cat. He was a professional bum, er, musician. I can totally relate, because I am a wannabe rock star. I would so love to quit my job and just play music. His invention was really cool, I'm sure that you will see it on TV if you watch the show. He took a MIDI 2-octive keyboard and built an upright instrument with it. It looks kind of like a flame-shaped upright bass, but with a keyboard instead of strings on it. He told me he just sold one to the keyboardist from Maroon 5, so we should expect to see it on stage or in a video or something this year. I hope so. The guy was passionate and deserves some success.
The San Diegoins, er, San Diegouns, er, San Diegans were a fun couple. He was salt, she was pepper, and they were very friendly. They only stayed in line for a few hours though, because she also wanted to get into some thing for Oprah that day.
The morning wore on. The TV cameras came out. They took lots of crowd shots, but the cameras never seemed to be pointed in my direction.
The morning wore on some more.
The morning wore out and became afternoon.
This whole time we were making conversation and becoming great friends. We heard Phoenix's story of being hit by the car at least half a dozen more times to various other people outside our circle of 1 Day Friends. I think that I could tell a pretty accurate version of it now.
Standing in line outside of the Convention Center started at 6:00am. Standing in a new line inside of the Convention Center started at 1:00pm. And this is where the Fellowship of the Ring began to break up. San Diego left right before we entered the building. SLC had taken off an hour before to "use the restroom", and then we found out she snuck into line inside the building. That whore. Inside the building it was down to Sam, Merry and Pippin. Wait, that was a book I read. It was down to Phoenix, Long Beach and Me.
The three of us got sent to separate audition rooms. In my new spot I sat next to a lady who saw and recognized the CTR ring on my right hand. Yes, I'm 34 and wear a CTR ring. How gay is that?! Well, it turns out she's been inactive for years and is married to a non-member. She made comments about how she knew she was going to Hell, and it was too late for her. I said, "Hey, it's never to late to change." And that was all, we mostly talked about her invention and her 4 year old Down Syndrome son.
I got into the first round presentation. It was a 2 minute pitch to a panel of the show's producers. There were 2 people there. An attractive girl, probably in her early 30's with a British accent, and this really cute guy in his 20's. (Thank heaven for this blog, because this is the only place I can comment on what a hottie he was.) There were 2 other people in the room filming and taking notes. Well, I figured beforehand that this first round would be more about selling myself to be likable on TV more than it was about the invention I was pitching. So, I presented my invention in a flirty way. Both judges dug me, I could tell. They were too easy. They were practically begging me to go on to the next round.
That, perhaps, made me too confident in my predictions about what to present. The second round was in front of the Executive Producers of the show. I assumed that this pitch would be more about the product, with a small amount of Me thrown in. I think I was wrong. They were looking for more of the TV personality factor, and my whole presentation was based on presenting to a bunch of investors. Halfway through my presentation I had already gone through all of the interesting-for-TV part of my invention, then I got down into the business aspect of it. As I talked more about the business side, I saw them losing interest. I didn't know what to do. The fun part of my presentation had already passed, I couldn't go back to that. I had already said everything. Crap. Tail spin! Aaaaarrrggghhh! So, of course, they ended up passing on me for the show.
I analyzed the whole situation while I was driving home and made some good observations of what I could have done to sweeten the situation when it started to sour. And, I never truly closed the sale. A salesman always ignores the first No they hear. I didn't ask them to reconsider. I didn't ask what I could do to change their minds. I never addressed the first No, I just said thank you, packed up and left. Stupid, stupid! Now I know how to progress to the next round. I'll try again next year.
Anyway, after the first presentation I never saw Phoenix again. Apparently he didn't make it through the first round. I hope he had a safe drive back home.
Long Beach made it through, of course. His invention was cool (at least to us musicians). We chatted a little before I went into round 2. I didn't see him after that, but had given him a business card so he could email me some photos that he took during the day. He called me and left me a message this morning to tell me he had made it to the next round. I hope he does well. By the way, here's his website if you're curious to see the instrument: http://www.zenriffer.com/
Oh, yeah, remember how my day started with me waking up at 4:30am? Well, I finally got home at around 10:00 pm. It sucks being a celebrity wannabe. :)
Did any of you see American Inventor last year? Well, they are doing another season this year. Auditions were in L.A. yesterday, and I'm crazy, so I decided to go to it. Hey, what better way to miss Ward Conference than to go audition for something!? It was a very interesting experience. This blog is only going to talk about the audition, so if you're looking for more SSA posts, you can skip this one. Although I do make brief mention of one of the cute judges I presented to. :)
...cue dramatic storytelling music...
It started early. VERY early. Actually, it started before that. I finally hit my pillow at 12:30am after putting the finishing touches on all of the junk I needed to take with me to the audition. I needed to get up at 4:30, so of course I had very restless sleep. You know how you'll spend those nights in the fear of sleeping through your alarm, so your body wakes up every hour? Yeah. That's how it went down.
So, 4:30 rolls around, and I roll out of bed. Roll to the bathroom. Roll into the shower. Roll into clothes. Roll into my car. And then roll to downtown Los Angeles. For some weird reason I had cinnamon rolls on my mind too. Hmmm. Anyway, I made it up to the LA Convention Center right at 6:00, got a good parking spot and went to stand in line. There were already a lot of people there. Yikes. This is going to be a looooooong day.
An older gentleman in a cheap double-breasted suit from Men's Wearhouse stood in line behind me. He was from Phoenix. We began chatting about stuff, and sure enough he was a talker. There was a girl from Salt Lake City, a guy from Long Beach, and a couple from San Diego around us, so we all became 1 Day Friends.
Phoenix, being the talker he was, soon related all of his life experiences to us. Including the time he got hit by a car 6 years ago and how he hasn't been the same since. He's a business owner and a semi-pro motivational speaker. I could see him being a good speaker. He had a lot of stories and was very animated, so he was fun to listen to.
SLC, well, she was a little bit off. Of course, I was at an inventor's audtion so should I have expected anything other than the mad scientist type? She was very nice, but when I told her I was from Utah originally she changed the subject. Hmmm, doesn't want to talk about Utah. Oh well. Her invention ideas were pretty weird too. I wouldn't have had the confidence in those ideas to drive 12 hours to pitch them.
Long Beach was one cool cat. He was a professional bum, er, musician. I can totally relate, because I am a wannabe rock star. I would so love to quit my job and just play music. His invention was really cool, I'm sure that you will see it on TV if you watch the show. He took a MIDI 2-octive keyboard and built an upright instrument with it. It looks kind of like a flame-shaped upright bass, but with a keyboard instead of strings on it. He told me he just sold one to the keyboardist from Maroon 5, so we should expect to see it on stage or in a video or something this year. I hope so. The guy was passionate and deserves some success.
The San Diegoins, er, San Diegouns, er, San Diegans were a fun couple. He was salt, she was pepper, and they were very friendly. They only stayed in line for a few hours though, because she also wanted to get into some thing for Oprah that day.
The morning wore on. The TV cameras came out. They took lots of crowd shots, but the cameras never seemed to be pointed in my direction.
The morning wore on some more.
The morning wore out and became afternoon.
This whole time we were making conversation and becoming great friends. We heard Phoenix's story of being hit by the car at least half a dozen more times to various other people outside our circle of 1 Day Friends. I think that I could tell a pretty accurate version of it now.
Standing in line outside of the Convention Center started at 6:00am. Standing in a new line inside of the Convention Center started at 1:00pm. And this is where the Fellowship of the Ring began to break up. San Diego left right before we entered the building. SLC had taken off an hour before to "use the restroom", and then we found out she snuck into line inside the building. That whore. Inside the building it was down to Sam, Merry and Pippin. Wait, that was a book I read. It was down to Phoenix, Long Beach and Me.
The three of us got sent to separate audition rooms. In my new spot I sat next to a lady who saw and recognized the CTR ring on my right hand. Yes, I'm 34 and wear a CTR ring. How gay is that?! Well, it turns out she's been inactive for years and is married to a non-member. She made comments about how she knew she was going to Hell, and it was too late for her. I said, "Hey, it's never to late to change." And that was all, we mostly talked about her invention and her 4 year old Down Syndrome son.
I got into the first round presentation. It was a 2 minute pitch to a panel of the show's producers. There were 2 people there. An attractive girl, probably in her early 30's with a British accent, and this really cute guy in his 20's. (Thank heaven for this blog, because this is the only place I can comment on what a hottie he was.) There were 2 other people in the room filming and taking notes. Well, I figured beforehand that this first round would be more about selling myself to be likable on TV more than it was about the invention I was pitching. So, I presented my invention in a flirty way. Both judges dug me, I could tell. They were too easy. They were practically begging me to go on to the next round.
That, perhaps, made me too confident in my predictions about what to present. The second round was in front of the Executive Producers of the show. I assumed that this pitch would be more about the product, with a small amount of Me thrown in. I think I was wrong. They were looking for more of the TV personality factor, and my whole presentation was based on presenting to a bunch of investors. Halfway through my presentation I had already gone through all of the interesting-for-TV part of my invention, then I got down into the business aspect of it. As I talked more about the business side, I saw them losing interest. I didn't know what to do. The fun part of my presentation had already passed, I couldn't go back to that. I had already said everything. Crap. Tail spin! Aaaaarrrggghhh! So, of course, they ended up passing on me for the show.
I analyzed the whole situation while I was driving home and made some good observations of what I could have done to sweeten the situation when it started to sour. And, I never truly closed the sale. A salesman always ignores the first No they hear. I didn't ask them to reconsider. I didn't ask what I could do to change their minds. I never addressed the first No, I just said thank you, packed up and left. Stupid, stupid! Now I know how to progress to the next round. I'll try again next year.
Anyway, after the first presentation I never saw Phoenix again. Apparently he didn't make it through the first round. I hope he had a safe drive back home.
Long Beach made it through, of course. His invention was cool (at least to us musicians). We chatted a little before I went into round 2. I didn't see him after that, but had given him a business card so he could email me some photos that he took during the day. He called me and left me a message this morning to tell me he had made it to the next round. I hope he does well. By the way, here's his website if you're curious to see the instrument: http://www.zenriffer.com/
Oh, yeah, remember how my day started with me waking up at 4:30am? Well, I finally got home at around 10:00 pm. It sucks being a celebrity wannabe. :)
16 March 2007
Comment to Remember
I made a comment on Elbow's blog today and I wanted to put it here so that I could go back and reflect on what I said when I forget where I originally posted it. I'm mulling this over in my head right now. Maybe I'll expound on it one of these days. Elbow was talking about his duplicitous self and the agony he is going through.
Elbow,
I find myself having the same swings all the time. From my view, take your experience and add 10 additional years of duplcity. Then look at the other older faithful LDS guys on here and add another 10-20 years. It doesn't appear that the swings ever go away.
I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did. How could I be happy with a life of loneliness and celibacy as a faithful gay mormon? On the other hand, how could I be happy living a life that I know the Lord doesn't approve of? Both of those questions are answered with some derivation of the concept of "misery".
Do we then just shrug our shoulders and say, well I might as well be miserable but faithful to my testimony. Or do we say, I might as well be miserable but not lonely. Neither choice is very appealing in the perspective of this mortal existence.
I just read Elder Oaks and Wickman's interview on SSA. I didn't finish it with a lot of optimism for overcoming SSA. They didn't say that I could just go dip myself in the river Jordan seven times and it would go away. They outlined the path as a very tough one to follow. But it is our path to trod. Our challenge in life is not with SSA, it is for us to individually figure out what it takes for us to submit our will to the Lord. "If it be thy will, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." We have to figure out how to really be like Jesus. Not the fluff you learned in primary about being nice to other people, but of kneeling in Gethsemene knowing the suffering he would have to endure and still being willing to do it.
I'm sure that we knew we'd be facing these problems when we were in the pre-existence. Although, I wonder if someone tricked me into signing up for it. ;P
Elbow,
I find myself having the same swings all the time. From my view, take your experience and add 10 additional years of duplcity. Then look at the other older faithful LDS guys on here and add another 10-20 years. It doesn't appear that the swings ever go away.
I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did. How could I be happy with a life of loneliness and celibacy as a faithful gay mormon? On the other hand, how could I be happy living a life that I know the Lord doesn't approve of? Both of those questions are answered with some derivation of the concept of "misery".
Do we then just shrug our shoulders and say, well I might as well be miserable but faithful to my testimony. Or do we say, I might as well be miserable but not lonely. Neither choice is very appealing in the perspective of this mortal existence.
I just read Elder Oaks and Wickman's interview on SSA. I didn't finish it with a lot of optimism for overcoming SSA. They didn't say that I could just go dip myself in the river Jordan seven times and it would go away. They outlined the path as a very tough one to follow. But it is our path to trod. Our challenge in life is not with SSA, it is for us to individually figure out what it takes for us to submit our will to the Lord. "If it be thy will, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." We have to figure out how to really be like Jesus. Not the fluff you learned in primary about being nice to other people, but of kneeling in Gethsemene knowing the suffering he would have to endure and still being willing to do it.
I'm sure that we knew we'd be facing these problems when we were in the pre-existence. Although, I wonder if someone tricked me into signing up for it. ;P
15 March 2007
Wanted: Close Friend. Serious inquiries only.
Okay, I've had a couple of less serious posts, so back to some serious stuff.
I've had very few close friends in this life. I don't know why that is. I'm very personable, attractive, fun to be around, cool hair, etc. But for some reason I rarely get really close to anyone. In spite of the praise I give myself, I actually feel pretty insecure on the inside. My exterior is just for show. I think I talk myself up in the hopes that I'll talk myself into it someday. I can point to everything that is wrong with me, and when people tell me about the things that are right with me I feel ashamed/embarrassed and can't feel good about the compliment. Why is that?
I only had one close friend in elementary school. Two in junior high. Two or three in high school. Two at BYU. None in grad school. Two here in California, but none really at the moment. I have had tons of acquaintances/friends over those years, but none that I would call particularly close. It's kind of lonely. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most straight guys don't get close to other guys unless they are posting up on the basketball court. They don't get emotionally connected to others. I have the need, the desire, to feel emotionally connected to others, yet I can't find others to connect with. I want someone to put their arm around my shoulders in one of those sideways, brotherly, non-gay hugs and congratulate me when things go right, or console me when things go bad. I want someone that I can call up at a moments notice to go places and do stuff. I want someone that I can feel comfortable talking to about being gay. I need a close friend.
Do I need other gay guys to be friends with? Is that the only way to get that emotional need filled? Or would that eventually encourage me to travel a different path than the one I have chosen and leave no opportunity for my patriarchal blessing to be fulfilled (get married to a woman and have kids)?
Sigh. Anybody want to move to So Cal and be my close friend in a faithful gay Mormon way?
Sometimes I hate expressing my feelings because then I realize that's how I'm truly feeling. I'm a little blue now. Time to go kill things in a video game. That should numb the pain.
I've had very few close friends in this life. I don't know why that is. I'm very personable, attractive, fun to be around, cool hair, etc. But for some reason I rarely get really close to anyone. In spite of the praise I give myself, I actually feel pretty insecure on the inside. My exterior is just for show. I think I talk myself up in the hopes that I'll talk myself into it someday. I can point to everything that is wrong with me, and when people tell me about the things that are right with me I feel ashamed/embarrassed and can't feel good about the compliment. Why is that?
I only had one close friend in elementary school. Two in junior high. Two or three in high school. Two at BYU. None in grad school. Two here in California, but none really at the moment. I have had tons of acquaintances/friends over those years, but none that I would call particularly close. It's kind of lonely. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most straight guys don't get close to other guys unless they are posting up on the basketball court. They don't get emotionally connected to others. I have the need, the desire, to feel emotionally connected to others, yet I can't find others to connect with. I want someone to put their arm around my shoulders in one of those sideways, brotherly, non-gay hugs and congratulate me when things go right, or console me when things go bad. I want someone that I can call up at a moments notice to go places and do stuff. I want someone that I can feel comfortable talking to about being gay. I need a close friend.
Do I need other gay guys to be friends with? Is that the only way to get that emotional need filled? Or would that eventually encourage me to travel a different path than the one I have chosen and leave no opportunity for my patriarchal blessing to be fulfilled (get married to a woman and have kids)?
Sigh. Anybody want to move to So Cal and be my close friend in a faithful gay Mormon way?
Sometimes I hate expressing my feelings because then I realize that's how I'm truly feeling. I'm a little blue now. Time to go kill things in a video game. That should numb the pain.
14 March 2007
Are you master of your domain?
For some reason the "Master of Your Domain" episode of Seinfeld popped into my head today. Things like that happen. My brain is a fascinating piece of equipment. It makes the most random connections between things. That's why I'm kind of funny. Not funny in the sense that I make up original comedic material, but funny in the sense that my brain will regurgitate things at random so that I end up making comments that make people laugh.
Anyway, since I posted the other day about my issues with, um, self-gratification, I've noticed that this is also something that quite a few other guys are struggling with right now. So I thought we could give each other a hand... wait, maybe that's the wrong way to put it. We could help each other... no, not that either. We could create a contest in order to bolster those who are currently trying to kick the habit. Modeled, of course, after the IN-famous (meaning, "more than famous") Seinfeld episode of which has already been made mention.
Logistics:
1) Married guys can't participate. If you want some, you can go see your wife and that's not fair to us single guys.
2) Everyone who participates agrees to put up money Maybe $25 each? $50? It should be substantial enough to motivate everyone to try and succeed, but not so much that the poor guys in school can't afford to join the competition. We can agree on the amount after we see who (if anyone) signs up.
3) You have to be honest with everyone else and bow out and pay up if you lose
4) Keeping anonymity - money won't be collected until the end of the contest. Winner can set up a temporary PayPal account to receive funds. (Will that keep identities anonymous enough?)
5) Last man to go without incident wins all the cash!
6) Respond with a comment if you are interested.
Lastly, a little of my humor during an interview with an old Bishop:
Bishop: "Do you have problems with masturbation?"
Me: "Nope. It works every time."
Anyway, since I posted the other day about my issues with, um, self-gratification, I've noticed that this is also something that quite a few other guys are struggling with right now. So I thought we could give each other a hand... wait, maybe that's the wrong way to put it. We could help each other... no, not that either. We could create a contest in order to bolster those who are currently trying to kick the habit. Modeled, of course, after the IN-famous (meaning, "more than famous") Seinfeld episode of which has already been made mention.
Logistics:
1) Married guys can't participate. If you want some, you can go see your wife and that's not fair to us single guys.
2) Everyone who participates agrees to put up money Maybe $25 each? $50? It should be substantial enough to motivate everyone to try and succeed, but not so much that the poor guys in school can't afford to join the competition. We can agree on the amount after we see who (if anyone) signs up.
3) You have to be honest with everyone else and bow out and pay up if you lose
4) Keeping anonymity - money won't be collected until the end of the contest. Winner can set up a temporary PayPal account to receive funds. (Will that keep identities anonymous enough?)
5) Last man to go without incident wins all the cash!
6) Respond with a comment if you are interested.
Lastly, a little of my humor during an interview with an old Bishop:
Bishop: "Do you have problems with masturbation?"
Me: "Nope. It works every time."
Who opened the can of boring around here?
Holy crap, my blog is way too serious.
I am not nearly as serious as I'm painting myself to be in this blog. I've discussed heavy issues, and maybe instead of a "blog" I should call it a "whine" or something like that. Anyway, for your entertainment today I will not be writing the horrible story that I originally was. Instead, I will offer you a smidgen of humor.
You have to condition yourself so that whenever someone says, "That drives me nuts," you say, "Hey, that reminds me of a joke," and then tell this joke. About the 10th time this happens, everyone will be laughing before you even tell the joke. Eventually it will become a competition to see who can start telling the joke first. And it usually annoys the hell out of at least one person you know who will always forget the consequences of saying, "That drives me nuts" around you.
Here it is:
So this Pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Whoa! Why is there a steering wheel down your pants?" The Pirate responds, "Yarrrgh! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Joke Delivery Note: You have to say the Pirate's line in your best Pirate voice.
I guarantee that people will think you are an idiot, and then after hearing the joke repeatedly they will adore you for bringing such stupidity into their lives.
Peace, love and laughter. Be happy today.
I am not nearly as serious as I'm painting myself to be in this blog. I've discussed heavy issues, and maybe instead of a "blog" I should call it a "whine" or something like that. Anyway, for your entertainment today I will not be writing the horrible story that I originally was. Instead, I will offer you a smidgen of humor.
You have to condition yourself so that whenever someone says, "That drives me nuts," you say, "Hey, that reminds me of a joke," and then tell this joke. About the 10th time this happens, everyone will be laughing before you even tell the joke. Eventually it will become a competition to see who can start telling the joke first. And it usually annoys the hell out of at least one person you know who will always forget the consequences of saying, "That drives me nuts" around you.
Here it is:
So this Pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Whoa! Why is there a steering wheel down your pants?" The Pirate responds, "Yarrrgh! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Joke Delivery Note: You have to say the Pirate's line in your best Pirate voice.
I guarantee that people will think you are an idiot, and then after hearing the joke repeatedly they will adore you for bringing such stupidity into their lives.
Peace, love and laughter. Be happy today.
13 March 2007
So now what?
WARNING: This post may be rated TV-MA, PG-13 or probably worse by some people's estimation. Proceed with caution. Some of you who know me personally and are reading my blog may not want to read this particular entry. Discussion of personal sin is involved.
List of things to do:
1. Come out to family - check
2. Come out to close friends - check
3. Come out to bishop - check
4. Go to church every week - check
5. Fulfill my callings - check
6. Study/Pray/Spiritual stuff - check
7. Quit looking at the hard core porn - check
8. The soft porn....
9. Mastur....
So, I guess that's what I've really been in denial of for a long time. I started reading Resolving Homosexual Problems by Jason Park. It's interesting. I'm not completely sold on everything I've read, but it makes some very good observations. I've made it through the first three chapters tonight. I'm seeing a recurring theme of resolving past issues, so I started to think of what it is that I may need to resolve.
I quit looking at the nasty porn junk more than a year ago. No more explicit material. No more late night internet searches for free videos. I quit. I gave it up. It was very difficult, and actually was more of a gradual cessation than a cold-turkey thing. But, about a year or so ago I finally quit looking up that stuff. I was proud. I was glad that I had quit my porn addiction. Or had I?
What exactly is porn? I'm sure this has been discussed ad infinitum on other people's blogs, but I need to hash it out for my own sake.
Porn is just the really sexually explicit stuff, right? That's what the dictionary says: por·nog·ra·phy (pôr-nŏg'rə-fē) n. 1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
You see! It says sexually explicit. So again, if something is not sexually explicit then it isn't porn, right? Unfortunately I think that is not the case. And I need to come to terms with this. I find myself far too often browsing the internet for images. Nothing graphic. Just images of beautiful, shirtless men. There is nothing like a well-formed male torso to really get me going. That's it. It seems harmless, right? I mean, no full nudity. No genitalia. No pictures of multiple guys acting out the fantasies I have in my head. Just the admiration of a nice physique. How could that be a sin?
I guess that we need a little sidebar here. Remember when you first hit puberty and everything on the planet earth would cause you to get a woody? For most people, that seems to have subsided after a few years. Those are the room mates you had in college that could be seen making out with their girlfriends for hours and hours down in your living room and never once becoming sexually aroused (they now star in Viagra commercials). I hate those people. I am the exact opposite of that. I'm the one guy who is never, ever going to have to take a Viagra even if he lives to be 1,000 years old. I'm one of those people who never really came out of that puberty situation where everything turned you on all the time. I even asked a doctor about it once. "Hey doc, they make Viagra for men who can't get an erection. Do they make any type of anti-Viagra for people who can't, er, keep it down?" He literally mocked me.
So, this is where the sin part comes in. I can't look at "non-porn" pictures of the male torso and not get sexually aroused. And guess what happens then! Yep. The big M. And then guess what happens! Yep. The big feelings of guilt and self-loathing for once again not being able to control my freakishly overactive sex drive.
In a sense, that would (for me) make pictures of shirtless guys porn. It is something that causes sexual arousal in me. I don't just admire the beautiful bodies. I fantasize about the parts I can't see. I make my own porn in my head. I dream of what it would be like to touch my skin to theirs. To caress. To feel their warmth. It's every bit as explicit as the porn that I gave up a year ago.
Alma 12:14
14 For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.
I would love to have a mountain fall on me right now. How can I expect the Lord to help me through this when I am blatantly disregarding his commandments? This is easy enough to say. That verse in Alma is easy enough to believe. I do. Why, then, do I find it impossible to say no to the urges to look at that stuff? How can I sit here, think about what a great day it's been and how the Spirit has been with me today, and then immediately open up a browser and type in the word "shirtless". Why can I be so believing one second, and so unbelieving the next? It's like I have no more willpower left in me. I've found a sexual outlet that doesn't involve breaking the law of chastity in the strictest sense. Yes, I am still a virgin at 34. I have had neither hetero- nor homosexual experience. I'm proud of that. How about the law of chastity in the inferred sense? I think that I may have a real problem there.
So now what? Looks like it's time for another visit with the Bishop.
List of things to do:
1. Come out to family - check
2. Come out to close friends - check
3. Come out to bishop - check
4. Go to church every week - check
5. Fulfill my callings - check
6. Study/Pray/Spiritual stuff - check
7. Quit looking at the hard core porn - check
8. The soft porn....
9. Mastur....
So, I guess that's what I've really been in denial of for a long time. I started reading Resolving Homosexual Problems by Jason Park. It's interesting. I'm not completely sold on everything I've read, but it makes some very good observations. I've made it through the first three chapters tonight. I'm seeing a recurring theme of resolving past issues, so I started to think of what it is that I may need to resolve.
I quit looking at the nasty porn junk more than a year ago. No more explicit material. No more late night internet searches for free videos. I quit. I gave it up. It was very difficult, and actually was more of a gradual cessation than a cold-turkey thing. But, about a year or so ago I finally quit looking up that stuff. I was proud. I was glad that I had quit my porn addiction. Or had I?
What exactly is porn? I'm sure this has been discussed ad infinitum on other people's blogs, but I need to hash it out for my own sake.
Porn is just the really sexually explicit stuff, right? That's what the dictionary says: por·nog·ra·phy (pôr-nŏg'rə-fē) n. 1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
You see! It says sexually explicit. So again, if something is not sexually explicit then it isn't porn, right? Unfortunately I think that is not the case. And I need to come to terms with this. I find myself far too often browsing the internet for images. Nothing graphic. Just images of beautiful, shirtless men. There is nothing like a well-formed male torso to really get me going. That's it. It seems harmless, right? I mean, no full nudity. No genitalia. No pictures of multiple guys acting out the fantasies I have in my head. Just the admiration of a nice physique. How could that be a sin?
I guess that we need a little sidebar here. Remember when you first hit puberty and everything on the planet earth would cause you to get a woody? For most people, that seems to have subsided after a few years. Those are the room mates you had in college that could be seen making out with their girlfriends for hours and hours down in your living room and never once becoming sexually aroused (they now star in Viagra commercials). I hate those people. I am the exact opposite of that. I'm the one guy who is never, ever going to have to take a Viagra even if he lives to be 1,000 years old. I'm one of those people who never really came out of that puberty situation where everything turned you on all the time. I even asked a doctor about it once. "Hey doc, they make Viagra for men who can't get an erection. Do they make any type of anti-Viagra for people who can't, er, keep it down?" He literally mocked me.
So, this is where the sin part comes in. I can't look at "non-porn" pictures of the male torso and not get sexually aroused. And guess what happens then! Yep. The big M. And then guess what happens! Yep. The big feelings of guilt and self-loathing for once again not being able to control my freakishly overactive sex drive.
In a sense, that would (for me) make pictures of shirtless guys porn. It is something that causes sexual arousal in me. I don't just admire the beautiful bodies. I fantasize about the parts I can't see. I make my own porn in my head. I dream of what it would be like to touch my skin to theirs. To caress. To feel their warmth. It's every bit as explicit as the porn that I gave up a year ago.
Alma 12:14
14 For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.
I would love to have a mountain fall on me right now. How can I expect the Lord to help me through this when I am blatantly disregarding his commandments? This is easy enough to say. That verse in Alma is easy enough to believe. I do. Why, then, do I find it impossible to say no to the urges to look at that stuff? How can I sit here, think about what a great day it's been and how the Spirit has been with me today, and then immediately open up a browser and type in the word "shirtless". Why can I be so believing one second, and so unbelieving the next? It's like I have no more willpower left in me. I've found a sexual outlet that doesn't involve breaking the law of chastity in the strictest sense. Yes, I am still a virgin at 34. I have had neither hetero- nor homosexual experience. I'm proud of that. How about the law of chastity in the inferred sense? I think that I may have a real problem there.
So now what? Looks like it's time for another visit with the Bishop.
11 March 2007
A new beginning
I just got off the phone with my parents and my older sister. It was awesome. They were so loving and supportive that it was almost annoying. ;-P
You know, I actually knew that this is what would happen when I told them. We're a great family. A very close family. There was never any reason for me to be scared or ashamed to talk to them about this. I wish I could have done this years ago. But, I do know why it sort of had to wait until now. It wasn't so much my own personal fears, as it was the fear of the news devastating my mom. I love her dearly, but she has always been one of those need-to-be-perfect people. She doesn't understand what the Atonement is really all about. She's one of those stereotypical Utah RS President-types that has to be going full-bore 24/7 at church stuff for fear of not working her way into heaven. I knew deep down inside that she couldn't handle this news until she finally had grandchildren, so that she would realize that she hadn't failed as a mother. If I had told her 1 year ago, she probably would have cracked.
I slyly talked about that with them on the phone today. Early on in the conversation she said how she was worried about me and if I ever slipped up once then I would somehow disqualify myself from living in the Celestial Kingdom. I told her I disagreed with that, and that God certainly would not condemn any of us to Hell for one mistake in our lives. He is much more forgiving than I think most Mormons give Him credit for. He knows our limitations. He knows our trials and our internal psychological and spiritual health. He understands. I went on about how the church is true, but Mormon culture can often be lame. I talked about how I've read articles that list Utah as the top per capita consumer of anti-depressants. I talked about how sad it was that so many people have the Truth in their lives and don't believe it. Mormons should be the healthiest physically and mentally of all people on the planet because we have an eternal perspective on things. Unfortunately that's not the case. We are so worried about working our way into heaven that the Atonement and grace of Christ gets in the way.
It was a good conversation. I think it opened her eyes a little to the fact that it's okay to not be Mary Poppins all the time.
Beyond that, we just chatted about my personal feelings. About what it's like. What my intentions for the future were.
Oh yeah, they hesitantly asked if that letter was a buildup to anything more drastic, such as introducing my boyfriend to them. I laughed. "No, there's nothing more above and beyond the letter." I think that was a great relief to them. Still, even if that were the case, it's good to know that they were okay with accepting me as their family member, and whatever else I brought along with me.
Anyway, I just wanted to give an update to my coming out experience. It was awesome. I feel much stronger today. It's a new beginning.
I'm going to need this extra strength when I run into boy-I-have-a-crush-on-and-he-on-me at work tomorrow.
You know, I actually knew that this is what would happen when I told them. We're a great family. A very close family. There was never any reason for me to be scared or ashamed to talk to them about this. I wish I could have done this years ago. But, I do know why it sort of had to wait until now. It wasn't so much my own personal fears, as it was the fear of the news devastating my mom. I love her dearly, but she has always been one of those need-to-be-perfect people. She doesn't understand what the Atonement is really all about. She's one of those stereotypical Utah RS President-types that has to be going full-bore 24/7 at church stuff for fear of not working her way into heaven. I knew deep down inside that she couldn't handle this news until she finally had grandchildren, so that she would realize that she hadn't failed as a mother. If I had told her 1 year ago, she probably would have cracked.
I slyly talked about that with them on the phone today. Early on in the conversation she said how she was worried about me and if I ever slipped up once then I would somehow disqualify myself from living in the Celestial Kingdom. I told her I disagreed with that, and that God certainly would not condemn any of us to Hell for one mistake in our lives. He is much more forgiving than I think most Mormons give Him credit for. He knows our limitations. He knows our trials and our internal psychological and spiritual health. He understands. I went on about how the church is true, but Mormon culture can often be lame. I talked about how I've read articles that list Utah as the top per capita consumer of anti-depressants. I talked about how sad it was that so many people have the Truth in their lives and don't believe it. Mormons should be the healthiest physically and mentally of all people on the planet because we have an eternal perspective on things. Unfortunately that's not the case. We are so worried about working our way into heaven that the Atonement and grace of Christ gets in the way.
It was a good conversation. I think it opened her eyes a little to the fact that it's okay to not be Mary Poppins all the time.
Beyond that, we just chatted about my personal feelings. About what it's like. What my intentions for the future were.
Oh yeah, they hesitantly asked if that letter was a buildup to anything more drastic, such as introducing my boyfriend to them. I laughed. "No, there's nothing more above and beyond the letter." I think that was a great relief to them. Still, even if that were the case, it's good to know that they were okay with accepting me as their family member, and whatever else I brought along with me.
Anyway, I just wanted to give an update to my coming out experience. It was awesome. I feel much stronger today. It's a new beginning.
I'm going to need this extra strength when I run into boy-I-have-a-crush-on-and-he-on-me at work tomorrow.
09 March 2007
LOL!
I just realized that "SSA" is "Ass-backwards".
Hee hee.
And I actually did LOL. I'm not just typing that.
Hee hee.
And I actually did LOL. I'm not just typing that.
08 March 2007
The complaint of the day
Why the hell are our Elder's Quorum Presidency meetings so f-ing long?!?!?! I'm the secretary. We meet on Thursday nights from 7 until usually 10. It is abso-freaking-lutely ridiculous! We don't have that much to talk about. I'm going to complain to the EQP. This has to stop. I thought the long meetings would only last for the first few weeks we were in the new Presidency, but it has gone on for almost 3 months now.
The church is true.
End rant.
The church is true.
End rant.
Now for the "Oh crap!" of the day
So, remember that guy at work I mentioned last week in one of my other posts? The gay one that's been giving me the vibe? Yikes.
Yesterday I ran into him in the hall on my way back from lunch. We stopped and chatted for a minute. He's a really nice guy, you all would like him. Anyway, so at the end of the conversation he tells me how his group is being moved to a different building next week. One side of my brain said, "Booo. I won't get to see him any more," and the other side of my brain said, "Hooray! No more temptation!" While I was having this conversation in my head (much like J.D. on Scrubs) he caught me off-guard and said, "I'll have to give you my number before I take off next week." Which, in the context of our conversation at that exact moment actually meant, "Hey, I know you like me and I like you so let's get together. Uh-huh. Uh-huh"
My brain completely shut off. Nothing. Nada. I couldn't do anything. So, being the polite person I am and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings I said, "Sure, that would be great."
That would be great? What the HELL did I say that for? Is my mouth even connected to my brain any more? Boy, if there was any other way to say, "Sure I'm gay and want your action" that was it. Oh dear. What am I going to do now?
So today I walk out to my car after work and guess what? Yep. There is a note on my car that says, "Hey Kevin, we are going to be moving next Wednesday, and since the weeks fly by so fast and we don't see each other every day here's my number."
Oh no, oh no, oh no. This is a bad situation. The part that is bad is that I know I shouldn't call, but I really, really, really want to. My conscience says no, but the other 12 voices in my head are telling me to do it and they are yelling louder. I must not. I will not. Please, God, make this one go away.
I only have to make it until Wednesday, then I for sure won't see him any more.
Yesterday I ran into him in the hall on my way back from lunch. We stopped and chatted for a minute. He's a really nice guy, you all would like him. Anyway, so at the end of the conversation he tells me how his group is being moved to a different building next week. One side of my brain said, "Booo. I won't get to see him any more," and the other side of my brain said, "Hooray! No more temptation!" While I was having this conversation in my head (much like J.D. on Scrubs) he caught me off-guard and said, "I'll have to give you my number before I take off next week." Which, in the context of our conversation at that exact moment actually meant, "Hey, I know you like me and I like you so let's get together. Uh-huh. Uh-huh"
My brain completely shut off. Nothing. Nada. I couldn't do anything. So, being the polite person I am and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings I said, "Sure, that would be great."
That would be great? What the HELL did I say that for? Is my mouth even connected to my brain any more? Boy, if there was any other way to say, "Sure I'm gay and want your action" that was it. Oh dear. What am I going to do now?
So today I walk out to my car after work and guess what? Yep. There is a note on my car that says, "Hey Kevin, we are going to be moving next Wednesday, and since the weeks fly by so fast and we don't see each other every day here's my number."
Oh no, oh no, oh no. This is a bad situation. The part that is bad is that I know I shouldn't call, but I really, really, really want to. My conscience says no, but the other 12 voices in my head are telling me to do it and they are yelling louder. I must not. I will not. Please, God, make this one go away.
I only have to make it until Wednesday, then I for sure won't see him any more.
WHEW!!!!!
I DID IT!
I actually pushed the "send" button on the email, so at this very moment my letter to the family is flowing as packets of 0's and 1's on it's way to showing up in my mom's email tomorrow when she wakes up. In a slight change of plans, I decided to just send it to her so that she and my dad could be the first to read it, and then asked them to forward it to my siblings.
Here's to hope!
Also, I'd like to thank the couple of you that I contacted directly and got some feedback from. I ended up making a few minor tweaks before I sent it off. I realized that it was too dry. I am never that dry. They wouldn't believe I wrote it if I didn't throw some lame humor in there, so I did. I think it's better than the original version. If anyone is interested, here is the final version:
Dear Family,
I need to have an honest and frank discussion with all of you. I don't know the next time we will all be together, so I'm going to do it through this letter. Last weekend was a very emotional one for me. In some ways it was the best weekend and in others it was the worst.
I was very happy to finally meet ____. She is adorable. I was honored to be in the circle and listen to ____ blessing her on Fast Sunday. I'm also excited for ____ (sorry ____ I will always call her that, so please don't hate me, hate your husband) to arrive. I'm glad that mom finally has some grandkids to shower with her affection - and then send them home when they start crying.
I was glad to see grandpa, especially if it was for the last time. He really has gone downhill since I saw him at Christmas, and I fear that the next time I see him it may be at his funeral. I'm glad that I sat down with my video camera and interviewed him and grandma last summer. That video means a lot to me. I'll send you all a copy of it soon.
Those were the good parts of the weekend. The other parts are a little more difficult to talk about.
I think the easiest way to do this is to just come out and say it and then expound. The reason why I am still single, in spite of being the great catch that I am, is that I am physically/sexually attracted to other guys. The world uses the term gay, but I don't like that word. It connotes a certain type of lifestyle that I don't subscribe to. The church uses the terms Same-Gender Attraction and Same-Sex Attraction. I don't really like those terms either because they are too clinical and it makes it sound like a curable bacterial infection. But, since I'm much more inclined to side with the church than the world, I'll use their acronym - SSA.
I've felt this way my entire life. There's no reason behind it. I believe that I was just born this way. I can remember back to when I was very young, watching "The Electric Company" on PBS and thinking that the boys were cute. I was never sexually abused by anyone. I never suffered any type of trauma that turned me this way. It has nothing to do with the way I was raised - there's no parental fault here. This is just how I was wired up when my DNA was formed.
You may be asking about all of the girlfriends I've had during my life, and the first thing I'll say is hold out one hand so you can count all 2 of them. For the most part, I've only dated because that was what I felt I had to do. All my life I was taught that I needed to grow up, marry a wife and raise a family. So that's what I've always been striving to do, and every once in a while I do find a girl that I am attracted to and give it a go. Unfortunately, so far it hasn't worked out very well. Most guys go through life dating 100 women they are attracted to, and then deciding on the 1 to marry. My trouble is that I have to date 100,000 women to find the 100 that I am truly attracted to, and then narrow it down to the 1. It's a very long process to date 100,000 women - and it costs a lot of money.
You must be curious about if I've ever participated in the lifestyle of the gay community, and the answer is no. I have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me stay on the straight and narrow during times of temptation. But, I do have to say that as of late, my well of faith has felt like it's drying up. My desires for sharing my life and loving someone have not diminished with age. In fact, the yearning grows stronger with every passing year. And it gets increasingly more difficult to not go down paths that I shouldn't walk down. I study my scriptures, I pray, I go to church, I fulfill my callings, I go to the temple. I do it all. But the most basic of human needs - that of love and intimacy - is never met. And when I say intimacy, I'm not really talking about sexual intimacy. I'm mostly talking about the intimacy of sharing your life, your hopes, your ambitions, your dreams with someone else and them sharing theirself with you. I hold the hope that some day I will be married and have a family. My patriarchal blessing talks about it, and I hope that it is talking about this life and not the next. I would like to have my children grow up with the others in the family. But, if it doesn't happen in this life, I will strive to remain faithful so that in the next, the Lord will grant unto me all of those blessings. I want to stay active in the church. I know it's true. I know that I could never get spiritual satisfaction or feel at peace with myself in any other way. But I can't do this alone any more. I am weary. I need your support to keep on going.
At this point, I also need to gently, and lovingly, reprimand all of you for your insensitivity towards those we know who have chosen a gay lifestyle. There is no possible way for you to understand the turmoil that a faithful LDS member with SSA goes through. Most ailments in life have an associated prescription that a physician can give you, or a psychiatrist can counsel with you to help you overcome. There is no such thing for SSA. Our cousin, ____, and ____ who have each chosen a path that you would not select for yourself should not be judged harshly for those decisions. They are still children of God. He still loves them. His atonement can still save them. They deserve our love and hand of fellowship. You don't have to support gay marriage, you don't have to support their not following the law of chastity, you don't have to support their bitterness towards the church, but you do have to support them as human beings. You all also need to quit with the gay jokes. It gets irritating after a while.
I know this is a really big pill to swallow. I hope that in time you can come to understand the struggles I go through. I know that it may be a bit of a disappointment to you, but I think that you'll get over that when you realize that I am exactly the same person that you have known for the last 34 years. I still make lame jokes. I still love all of you. I still love Dr. Pepper, mexican food, and passing gas. That's all still the same. Nothing is different except that you know more about my personal struggles in life now, and it finally makes sense why I'm so sexy and still single. Remember that you agreed to being part of this family while in the pre-existance and we all probably knew that this was going to be my lot in life. You supported me then and I ask for that same support now.
Here are a couple of references for you to browse for more information on SSA. There are lots of questions, although most answers you'll find that you just have to figure out on your own. First, I would go to the website www.ldsresources.info (not .com, the .com site is just an online book store). I would also go ahead and pick up the book "In Quiet Desperation". I checked and you can find it in the self-help section of Deseret Book.
I decided to send this to all of you, because I'm tired of being ashamed and keeping this a secret from everyone. I have nothing to be ashamed of in much the same way that a blind person should not be ashamed that they are blind. It's not their fault or their choice to be blind, and they go on living with their impairment. I don't ask that you keep this a secret. You are free to talk or not talk about it as you feel comfortable. I have finally come to the point in my life where I feel okay talking to other people about it. If other people choose to react poorly when they find out, that's their problem. I've got the Lord on my side, and they've got ignorance and a complete lack of understanding of what the Atonement is really all about. I'm pretty sure that I'll win that one.
I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here. Please don't call me right away to talk about this - in fact, I probably won't answer the phone if you show up on my caller I.D. Sending this letter is probably the most difficult and gut-wrenching thing I've ever had to do, and I will also need a few days to catch my breath once I press that "send email" button. Take these next few days to study, ponder and pray about it and let it all sink in. I'll make my usual call home on Sunday night and we can talk about it then.
Also, mom and dad, I wanted you to be the first to read this. Once you have, please forward it to ____, ____, ____ and ____.
I love you all,
Me
I actually pushed the "send" button on the email, so at this very moment my letter to the family is flowing as packets of 0's and 1's on it's way to showing up in my mom's email tomorrow when she wakes up. In a slight change of plans, I decided to just send it to her so that she and my dad could be the first to read it, and then asked them to forward it to my siblings.
Here's to hope!
Also, I'd like to thank the couple of you that I contacted directly and got some feedback from. I ended up making a few minor tweaks before I sent it off. I realized that it was too dry. I am never that dry. They wouldn't believe I wrote it if I didn't throw some lame humor in there, so I did. I think it's better than the original version. If anyone is interested, here is the final version:
Dear Family,
I need to have an honest and frank discussion with all of you. I don't know the next time we will all be together, so I'm going to do it through this letter. Last weekend was a very emotional one for me. In some ways it was the best weekend and in others it was the worst.
I was very happy to finally meet ____. She is adorable. I was honored to be in the circle and listen to ____ blessing her on Fast Sunday. I'm also excited for ____ (sorry ____ I will always call her that, so please don't hate me, hate your husband) to arrive. I'm glad that mom finally has some grandkids to shower with her affection - and then send them home when they start crying.
I was glad to see grandpa, especially if it was for the last time. He really has gone downhill since I saw him at Christmas, and I fear that the next time I see him it may be at his funeral. I'm glad that I sat down with my video camera and interviewed him and grandma last summer. That video means a lot to me. I'll send you all a copy of it soon.
Those were the good parts of the weekend. The other parts are a little more difficult to talk about.
I think the easiest way to do this is to just come out and say it and then expound. The reason why I am still single, in spite of being the great catch that I am, is that I am physically/sexually attracted to other guys. The world uses the term gay, but I don't like that word. It connotes a certain type of lifestyle that I don't subscribe to. The church uses the terms Same-Gender Attraction and Same-Sex Attraction. I don't really like those terms either because they are too clinical and it makes it sound like a curable bacterial infection. But, since I'm much more inclined to side with the church than the world, I'll use their acronym - SSA.
I've felt this way my entire life. There's no reason behind it. I believe that I was just born this way. I can remember back to when I was very young, watching "The Electric Company" on PBS and thinking that the boys were cute. I was never sexually abused by anyone. I never suffered any type of trauma that turned me this way. It has nothing to do with the way I was raised - there's no parental fault here. This is just how I was wired up when my DNA was formed.
You may be asking about all of the girlfriends I've had during my life, and the first thing I'll say is hold out one hand so you can count all 2 of them. For the most part, I've only dated because that was what I felt I had to do. All my life I was taught that I needed to grow up, marry a wife and raise a family. So that's what I've always been striving to do, and every once in a while I do find a girl that I am attracted to and give it a go. Unfortunately, so far it hasn't worked out very well. Most guys go through life dating 100 women they are attracted to, and then deciding on the 1 to marry. My trouble is that I have to date 100,000 women to find the 100 that I am truly attracted to, and then narrow it down to the 1. It's a very long process to date 100,000 women - and it costs a lot of money.
You must be curious about if I've ever participated in the lifestyle of the gay community, and the answer is no. I have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me stay on the straight and narrow during times of temptation. But, I do have to say that as of late, my well of faith has felt like it's drying up. My desires for sharing my life and loving someone have not diminished with age. In fact, the yearning grows stronger with every passing year. And it gets increasingly more difficult to not go down paths that I shouldn't walk down. I study my scriptures, I pray, I go to church, I fulfill my callings, I go to the temple. I do it all. But the most basic of human needs - that of love and intimacy - is never met. And when I say intimacy, I'm not really talking about sexual intimacy. I'm mostly talking about the intimacy of sharing your life, your hopes, your ambitions, your dreams with someone else and them sharing theirself with you. I hold the hope that some day I will be married and have a family. My patriarchal blessing talks about it, and I hope that it is talking about this life and not the next. I would like to have my children grow up with the others in the family. But, if it doesn't happen in this life, I will strive to remain faithful so that in the next, the Lord will grant unto me all of those blessings. I want to stay active in the church. I know it's true. I know that I could never get spiritual satisfaction or feel at peace with myself in any other way. But I can't do this alone any more. I am weary. I need your support to keep on going.
At this point, I also need to gently, and lovingly, reprimand all of you for your insensitivity towards those we know who have chosen a gay lifestyle. There is no possible way for you to understand the turmoil that a faithful LDS member with SSA goes through. Most ailments in life have an associated prescription that a physician can give you, or a psychiatrist can counsel with you to help you overcome. There is no such thing for SSA. Our cousin, ____, and ____ who have each chosen a path that you would not select for yourself should not be judged harshly for those decisions. They are still children of God. He still loves them. His atonement can still save them. They deserve our love and hand of fellowship. You don't have to support gay marriage, you don't have to support their not following the law of chastity, you don't have to support their bitterness towards the church, but you do have to support them as human beings. You all also need to quit with the gay jokes. It gets irritating after a while.
I know this is a really big pill to swallow. I hope that in time you can come to understand the struggles I go through. I know that it may be a bit of a disappointment to you, but I think that you'll get over that when you realize that I am exactly the same person that you have known for the last 34 years. I still make lame jokes. I still love all of you. I still love Dr. Pepper, mexican food, and passing gas. That's all still the same. Nothing is different except that you know more about my personal struggles in life now, and it finally makes sense why I'm so sexy and still single. Remember that you agreed to being part of this family while in the pre-existance and we all probably knew that this was going to be my lot in life. You supported me then and I ask for that same support now.
Here are a couple of references for you to browse for more information on SSA. There are lots of questions, although most answers you'll find that you just have to figure out on your own. First, I would go to the website www.ldsresources.info (not .com, the .com site is just an online book store). I would also go ahead and pick up the book "In Quiet Desperation". I checked and you can find it in the self-help section of Deseret Book.
I decided to send this to all of you, because I'm tired of being ashamed and keeping this a secret from everyone. I have nothing to be ashamed of in much the same way that a blind person should not be ashamed that they are blind. It's not their fault or their choice to be blind, and they go on living with their impairment. I don't ask that you keep this a secret. You are free to talk or not talk about it as you feel comfortable. I have finally come to the point in my life where I feel okay talking to other people about it. If other people choose to react poorly when they find out, that's their problem. I've got the Lord on my side, and they've got ignorance and a complete lack of understanding of what the Atonement is really all about. I'm pretty sure that I'll win that one.
I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here. Please don't call me right away to talk about this - in fact, I probably won't answer the phone if you show up on my caller I.D. Sending this letter is probably the most difficult and gut-wrenching thing I've ever had to do, and I will also need a few days to catch my breath once I press that "send email" button. Take these next few days to study, ponder and pray about it and let it all sink in. I'll make my usual call home on Sunday night and we can talk about it then.
Also, mom and dad, I wanted you to be the first to read this. Once you have, please forward it to ____, ____, ____ and ____.
I love you all,
Me
So maybe this isn't so bad
Sometimes I get an attitude. I get kind of a high and mighty my-problems-are-superior-to-yours kind of attitude, although I can never really say that to people without coming out. For a very long time I have believed that SSA mixed with faithful Mormondom is the worst possible trial that anyone could face while here on this planet.
I have been proven wrong.
I went to lunch with some coworkers the other day. While we were sitting there eating a man and a woman came in to have lunch. She went right to a table, he went to the counter and ordered their food. He brought it back and laid it out before her so she could eat it. He was very helpful, kind and gentle. She was in a wheelchair and had no limbs to speak of. The only limb she had was an 8 inch stub for a left arm. She used that on the controller of the electric wheelchair she was in. She had to lean over and peck at her food like a bird in order to eat it. I was awe struck. I have always been fascinated with the various ways the physically handicapped learn to cope with their disabilities. In fact, I used to do volunteer work at a rehabilitation engineering center here locally. I have such respect for the disabled who go on with their lives in spite of the difficulties.
Then it hit me. I had finally found someone I could look at and honestly say, "Wow. I am so glad that I deal with the struggles that I do rather than have your struggles." It was incredibly humbling. I am greatful that my lot in life was not to have a physical deformity like that. I think of my own yearnings for love and physical intimacy and realize that she has the same ones. I think that my chances for finding a girl and marrying her are far greater than this person's chances for finding someone in this life. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
So, life isn't so bad today.
I have been proven wrong.
I went to lunch with some coworkers the other day. While we were sitting there eating a man and a woman came in to have lunch. She went right to a table, he went to the counter and ordered their food. He brought it back and laid it out before her so she could eat it. He was very helpful, kind and gentle. She was in a wheelchair and had no limbs to speak of. The only limb she had was an 8 inch stub for a left arm. She used that on the controller of the electric wheelchair she was in. She had to lean over and peck at her food like a bird in order to eat it. I was awe struck. I have always been fascinated with the various ways the physically handicapped learn to cope with their disabilities. In fact, I used to do volunteer work at a rehabilitation engineering center here locally. I have such respect for the disabled who go on with their lives in spite of the difficulties.
Then it hit me. I had finally found someone I could look at and honestly say, "Wow. I am so glad that I deal with the struggles that I do rather than have your struggles." It was incredibly humbling. I am greatful that my lot in life was not to have a physical deformity like that. I think of my own yearnings for love and physical intimacy and realize that she has the same ones. I think that my chances for finding a girl and marrying her are far greater than this person's chances for finding someone in this life. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
So, life isn't so bad today.
Apology to Gay BYU Student
Playasinmar posted a comment on my last entry, and I wanted to explain my stupidity mistake. I read Gay BYU Student's post about the letter he was sending to his parents to come out. I thought it was awesome. Apparently, I thought that it was so awesome that when I wrote my letter coming out to my family I shamelessly plagarized borrowed some of his ideas.
I apologize to GBYUS for being a dufus. But, hey, he had a lot of good stuff in there, and for the rest of you still in the closet how different will your letter to your family really be? I think that we're all in quite similar boats as far as what we need to say when the time comes.
I apologize to GBYUS for being a dufus. But, hey, he had a lot of good stuff in there, and for the rest of you still in the closet how different will your letter to your family really be? I think that we're all in quite similar boats as far as what we need to say when the time comes.
06 March 2007
And...exhale.
Okay, now that I've had a couple of days to cool off from the bad weekend, it's time to start addressing it with the family. I've thought about it a lot, and perhaps I was overly emotional in my initial reaction to the whole thing (that's what you get with gay guys). Or not. Either way, I've come to the realization that I just need to help them understand. Ignorance is not their fault, it's the byproduct of living in an all-Mormon community where nothing bad is supposed to happen.
Here's the letter I'll be sending them. I'll be adding in names and whatnot before I send it. I wanted this blog posting of it to remain as anonymous as possible.
Subj: Family issues
Dear Family,
I need to have an honest and frank discussion with all of you. I don't know the next time we will all be together, so I'm going to do it through this letter. This past weekend was a very emotional one for me. In some ways it was the best weekend and in others it was the worst.
I was very happy to finally meet the newest memeber of the family. She is adorable. I was honored to be in the circle and listen to her dad blessing her on Fast Sunday. I'm also excited for the soon-to-arrive member of the family. I'm glad that mom finally has some grandkids to shower with her affection - and then send them home when they start crying.
I was glad to see grandpa, especially if it was for the last time. He really has gone downhill since I saw him at Christmas, and I fear that the next time I see him it may be at his funeral. I'm glad that I sat down with my video camera and interviewed him and grandma last summer. That video means a lot to me. I'll send you all a copy of it soon.
Those were the good parts of the weekend. The bad parts are a little more difficult to talk about.
I think the easiest way to do this is to just come out and say it, and then expound. The reason why I am still single, in spite of being the great catch that I am, is that I am physically attracted to other guys. The world uses the term gay, but I don't like that word. It connotes a certain type of lifestyle that I don't subscribe to. The church uses the terms Same-Gender Attraction and Same-Sex Attraction. I don't really like those terms either because it makes it sound like a curable bacterial infection. But, since I'm much more inclined to side with the church than the world, I'll use their acronym - SSA.
I've felt this way my entire life. There's no reason behind it. I was just born this way. I can remember back to when I was very young, watching "The Electric Company" on PBS and thinking that the boys were cute. I was never sexually abused by anyone. I never suffered some type of trauma that "turned" me this way. This is just how I was wired up when my DNA was formed.
You may be asking about all of the girlfriends I've had during my life, and the first thing I'll say is hold out one hand so you can count "all" of them. There aren't very many. For the most part, I've only dated because that was what I felt I had to do. All my life I was taught that I needed to grow up, marry a wife and raise a family. So that's what I've always been striving to do, and every once in a while I do find a girl that I am attracted to and give it a go. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out very well.
Let me help you to try and understand these feelings of mine. All of you are, have been, or soon will be married to someone you love. Imagine that for your whole life you have been in love with members of the opposite sex, but for your entire life you have had to keep that a secret. You've kept it hidden deep because for you whole life you have been told repeatedly that you are supposed to like members of the same sex. They were the ones you should date, marry, and have sex with. That is repulsive to you, but you want to be obedient, so you date and interact with them, and do all the other things with them that you are told to. But deep down inside you know you still like members of the opposite sex.
When I turn it around like that, does it help you to kind of grasp in a small way what it is I've been going through? I hope so. That's how I finally got my bishop to get an understanding of the inner turmoil I go through on a daily basis.
You must be curious about if I've ever participated in the lifestyle of the gay community, and the answer is no. I still have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences that only a few people know about which have helped me stay on the straight and narrow during times of temptation. But, I do have to say that as of late, my well of faith has felt like it's drying up. My desires for sharing my life and loving someone have not diminished with age. In fact, the yearning grows stronger with every passing year. And it gets increasingly more difficult to not go down paths that I shouldn't walk down. I study my scriptures, I pray, I go to church, I fulfill my calling. I do it all. But the most basic of human needs - that of love and intimacy - is never met. And when I say intimacy, I'm not talking about sexual intimacy. I'm talking about the intimacy of sharing your life, your hopes, your ambitions, your dreams with someone else and them sharing theirself with you.
I want to stay active in the church. I know it's true. I know that I could never get spiritual satisfaction or feel at peace with myself in any other way. But I can't do this alone any more. I am weary. I need your support to keep on going.
At this point, I also need to reprimand all of you for your insensitivity towards those we know who have chosen a gay lifestyle. There is no possible way for you to understand the turmoil that a faithful LDS member with SSA goes through. Any other ailment in life has an associated prescription that a physician can give you, or a psychiatrist can counsel with you to help you overcome. There is no such thing for SSA. Our cousin and our neighbor who have both chosen a path that you would not select for yourself should not be judged harshly for those decisions. They are still children of God. He still loves them. His atonement can still save them. They deserve our love and hand of fellowship. You don't have to support gay marriage, you don't have to support their not following the law of chastity, but you do have to support them as human beings. You all also need to quit with the gay jokes. It gets irritating after a while.
I still hold the hope that some day I will be married and have a family. My patriarchal blessing talks about it, and I hope that it is talking about this life and not the next. I would like to have my children grow up with the others in the family. But, if it doesn't happen in this life, I will strive to remain faithful so that in the next, the Lord will grant unto me all of those blessings.
I know this is a really big pill to swallow. I hope that in time you can come to understand the struggles I go through. I know that it may be a bit of a disappointment to you, but I think that you'll get over that when you realize that I am exactly the same person that you have known for the last 34 years. Remember that you agreed to being part of this family while in the pre-existance, and we all probably knew that this was going to be my lot in life. You supported me then, and I ask for that same support now.
Here are a couple of references for you to browse for more information on SSA. There are lots of questions, although most answers you just have to figure out on your own. First, I would go to the website www.ldsresources.info (not .com, the .com site is just an online book store). I would also go ahead and pick up the book "In Quiet Desperation". I checked and you can find it in the self-help section of Deseret Book.
I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here. Please don't call me right away to talk about this - in fact, I probably won't answer the phone if you show up on my caller I.D. Take these next few days to study, ponder and pray about it and let it all sink in. Writing and sending this letter is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, and I also need a few days to let it sink in. I'll make my usual call home on Sunday night, and we can talk about it then.
I love you all,
Me
Here's the letter I'll be sending them. I'll be adding in names and whatnot before I send it. I wanted this blog posting of it to remain as anonymous as possible.
Subj: Family issues
Dear Family,
I need to have an honest and frank discussion with all of you. I don't know the next time we will all be together, so I'm going to do it through this letter. This past weekend was a very emotional one for me. In some ways it was the best weekend and in others it was the worst.
I was very happy to finally meet the newest memeber of the family. She is adorable. I was honored to be in the circle and listen to her dad blessing her on Fast Sunday. I'm also excited for the soon-to-arrive member of the family. I'm glad that mom finally has some grandkids to shower with her affection - and then send them home when they start crying.
I was glad to see grandpa, especially if it was for the last time. He really has gone downhill since I saw him at Christmas, and I fear that the next time I see him it may be at his funeral. I'm glad that I sat down with my video camera and interviewed him and grandma last summer. That video means a lot to me. I'll send you all a copy of it soon.
Those were the good parts of the weekend. The bad parts are a little more difficult to talk about.
I think the easiest way to do this is to just come out and say it, and then expound. The reason why I am still single, in spite of being the great catch that I am, is that I am physically attracted to other guys. The world uses the term gay, but I don't like that word. It connotes a certain type of lifestyle that I don't subscribe to. The church uses the terms Same-Gender Attraction and Same-Sex Attraction. I don't really like those terms either because it makes it sound like a curable bacterial infection. But, since I'm much more inclined to side with the church than the world, I'll use their acronym - SSA.
I've felt this way my entire life. There's no reason behind it. I was just born this way. I can remember back to when I was very young, watching "The Electric Company" on PBS and thinking that the boys were cute. I was never sexually abused by anyone. I never suffered some type of trauma that "turned" me this way. This is just how I was wired up when my DNA was formed.
You may be asking about all of the girlfriends I've had during my life, and the first thing I'll say is hold out one hand so you can count "all" of them. There aren't very many. For the most part, I've only dated because that was what I felt I had to do. All my life I was taught that I needed to grow up, marry a wife and raise a family. So that's what I've always been striving to do, and every once in a while I do find a girl that I am attracted to and give it a go. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out very well.
Let me help you to try and understand these feelings of mine. All of you are, have been, or soon will be married to someone you love. Imagine that for your whole life you have been in love with members of the opposite sex, but for your entire life you have had to keep that a secret. You've kept it hidden deep because for you whole life you have been told repeatedly that you are supposed to like members of the same sex. They were the ones you should date, marry, and have sex with. That is repulsive to you, but you want to be obedient, so you date and interact with them, and do all the other things with them that you are told to. But deep down inside you know you still like members of the opposite sex.
When I turn it around like that, does it help you to kind of grasp in a small way what it is I've been going through? I hope so. That's how I finally got my bishop to get an understanding of the inner turmoil I go through on a daily basis.
You must be curious about if I've ever participated in the lifestyle of the gay community, and the answer is no. I still have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences that only a few people know about which have helped me stay on the straight and narrow during times of temptation. But, I do have to say that as of late, my well of faith has felt like it's drying up. My desires for sharing my life and loving someone have not diminished with age. In fact, the yearning grows stronger with every passing year. And it gets increasingly more difficult to not go down paths that I shouldn't walk down. I study my scriptures, I pray, I go to church, I fulfill my calling. I do it all. But the most basic of human needs - that of love and intimacy - is never met. And when I say intimacy, I'm not talking about sexual intimacy. I'm talking about the intimacy of sharing your life, your hopes, your ambitions, your dreams with someone else and them sharing theirself with you.
I want to stay active in the church. I know it's true. I know that I could never get spiritual satisfaction or feel at peace with myself in any other way. But I can't do this alone any more. I am weary. I need your support to keep on going.
At this point, I also need to reprimand all of you for your insensitivity towards those we know who have chosen a gay lifestyle. There is no possible way for you to understand the turmoil that a faithful LDS member with SSA goes through. Any other ailment in life has an associated prescription that a physician can give you, or a psychiatrist can counsel with you to help you overcome. There is no such thing for SSA. Our cousin and our neighbor who have both chosen a path that you would not select for yourself should not be judged harshly for those decisions. They are still children of God. He still loves them. His atonement can still save them. They deserve our love and hand of fellowship. You don't have to support gay marriage, you don't have to support their not following the law of chastity, but you do have to support them as human beings. You all also need to quit with the gay jokes. It gets irritating after a while.
I still hold the hope that some day I will be married and have a family. My patriarchal blessing talks about it, and I hope that it is talking about this life and not the next. I would like to have my children grow up with the others in the family. But, if it doesn't happen in this life, I will strive to remain faithful so that in the next, the Lord will grant unto me all of those blessings.
I know this is a really big pill to swallow. I hope that in time you can come to understand the struggles I go through. I know that it may be a bit of a disappointment to you, but I think that you'll get over that when you realize that I am exactly the same person that you have known for the last 34 years. Remember that you agreed to being part of this family while in the pre-existance, and we all probably knew that this was going to be my lot in life. You supported me then, and I ask for that same support now.
Here are a couple of references for you to browse for more information on SSA. There are lots of questions, although most answers you just have to figure out on your own. First, I would go to the website www.ldsresources.info (not .com, the .com site is just an online book store). I would also go ahead and pick up the book "In Quiet Desperation". I checked and you can find it in the self-help section of Deseret Book.
I could go on and on about this subject, but I will stop here. Please don't call me right away to talk about this - in fact, I probably won't answer the phone if you show up on my caller I.D. Take these next few days to study, ponder and pray about it and let it all sink in. Writing and sending this letter is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, and I also need a few days to let it sink in. I'll make my usual call home on Sunday night, and we can talk about it then.
I love you all,
Me
05 March 2007
Mission: Aborted
So that weekend did not go at all how I was thinking it would. It was very good in some regards, and very painful in others. I made one mistake early on, and it sort of sent all my plans (for coming out to my parents) into a death spin.
They picked me up from the airport on Friday night. The whole plane ride up to Utah, I was thinking that maybe I would tell them on the ride, but then I kind of talked myself out of it. I decided that I didn't want a whole weekend of weirdness, so I decided to wait and talk to them on Sunday night. That way, we could talk about it, and then they would have time to stew over it themselves. And not just that, I was not planning on telling any of my siblings just yet, but knowing how my parents (i.e. mother) would react to the news I knew that it had the potential to turn into a really bad weekend with her trying to pretend like nothing was wrong. I knew that wouldn't work, so I felt that the Sunday night chat would work the best for everyone involved. That would have given them a few days without any of my siblings around so that they could peacefully, prayerfully, and undistractedly (hey! I invented another word) come to terms with it themselves.
Sounds like a good idea, right? That's what I thought.
I was very anxious Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. I was starting to look forward to talking to them. As hard as it was going to be, it was going to be nice when it was over. Finally! A load off my shoulders! But, that's not what happened. You see, in the past I have never noticed how much everyone makes derrogatory gay remarks. Hell, I've been right in the middle of it all in the past - I guess that was part of my personal denial of the whole situation. But, now that I've come to terms with the fact that this is not some virus or bacterial infection, it's actually part of my double-helix, I've become a little more sensitive to stuff like that. Sure, the jokes are funny. I can take a joke. But each one of them is like a tiny pinprick in your back. Eventually all of those little pins build into an overall painful effect. I never realized before how intolerant my family was of gay people.
And they shouldn't be. My cousin is out of the closet and living up in SLC with his boyfriend. The family should be kind and supportive of him as a person, as a child of God, even if they don't agree with the decisions he has made with his life. They also have a neighbor down the street who have a son that is out of the closet and, supposedly, married (in another state). My younger brothers grew up with those guys. They are best friends with his straight brothers. Why are they so demeaning towards him?
The comment that hurt the most was when they were talking about said neighbors (the wife in particular) and what a tragic life she has because of "having to cope with the great disappointment in her life". They were specifically referring to the gay son. That hurt. That cut me to the very center of my being. What about me? I've always been praised for being the great example of the family. The oldest son. I'm the one who put myself through college. I'm the one who put myself through grad school. I'm the one who got a high-paying, high-tech job. I'm the one who began investing in real estate. I'm the one who always stayed faithful and served a mission without hestitation. I'm the one who helps his siblings out whenever they need it. I'm the one who has stayed active in the church, in spite of being 34 and single. I'm the peacemaker. I'm the one who has always done good things and NEVER strayed from the straight and narrow path. Now all of the sudden I will be labeled a "great disappointment" to my family because of feelings that I have no choice over?
That floored me. I couldn't take it. And worst of all, my family lost my trust. I've been thinking all day of the terrible things I could write in an email and send it to all of them. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.
It was supposed to be a great weekend. We blessed my brother's newborn baby. We were celebrating being a family, and being a family for eternity. Now I don't know if I want them.
I need a hug and a good cry right now.
They picked me up from the airport on Friday night. The whole plane ride up to Utah, I was thinking that maybe I would tell them on the ride, but then I kind of talked myself out of it. I decided that I didn't want a whole weekend of weirdness, so I decided to wait and talk to them on Sunday night. That way, we could talk about it, and then they would have time to stew over it themselves. And not just that, I was not planning on telling any of my siblings just yet, but knowing how my parents (i.e. mother) would react to the news I knew that it had the potential to turn into a really bad weekend with her trying to pretend like nothing was wrong. I knew that wouldn't work, so I felt that the Sunday night chat would work the best for everyone involved. That would have given them a few days without any of my siblings around so that they could peacefully, prayerfully, and undistractedly (hey! I invented another word) come to terms with it themselves.
Sounds like a good idea, right? That's what I thought.
I was very anxious Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. I was starting to look forward to talking to them. As hard as it was going to be, it was going to be nice when it was over. Finally! A load off my shoulders! But, that's not what happened. You see, in the past I have never noticed how much everyone makes derrogatory gay remarks. Hell, I've been right in the middle of it all in the past - I guess that was part of my personal denial of the whole situation. But, now that I've come to terms with the fact that this is not some virus or bacterial infection, it's actually part of my double-helix, I've become a little more sensitive to stuff like that. Sure, the jokes are funny. I can take a joke. But each one of them is like a tiny pinprick in your back. Eventually all of those little pins build into an overall painful effect. I never realized before how intolerant my family was of gay people.
And they shouldn't be. My cousin is out of the closet and living up in SLC with his boyfriend. The family should be kind and supportive of him as a person, as a child of God, even if they don't agree with the decisions he has made with his life. They also have a neighbor down the street who have a son that is out of the closet and, supposedly, married (in another state). My younger brothers grew up with those guys. They are best friends with his straight brothers. Why are they so demeaning towards him?
The comment that hurt the most was when they were talking about said neighbors (the wife in particular) and what a tragic life she has because of "having to cope with the great disappointment in her life". They were specifically referring to the gay son. That hurt. That cut me to the very center of my being. What about me? I've always been praised for being the great example of the family. The oldest son. I'm the one who put myself through college. I'm the one who put myself through grad school. I'm the one who got a high-paying, high-tech job. I'm the one who began investing in real estate. I'm the one who always stayed faithful and served a mission without hestitation. I'm the one who helps his siblings out whenever they need it. I'm the one who has stayed active in the church, in spite of being 34 and single. I'm the peacemaker. I'm the one who has always done good things and NEVER strayed from the straight and narrow path. Now all of the sudden I will be labeled a "great disappointment" to my family because of feelings that I have no choice over?
That floored me. I couldn't take it. And worst of all, my family lost my trust. I've been thinking all day of the terrible things I could write in an email and send it to all of them. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.
It was supposed to be a great weekend. We blessed my brother's newborn baby. We were celebrating being a family, and being a family for eternity. Now I don't know if I want them.
I need a hug and a good cry right now.
02 March 2007
Burden casting
I'm flying home to Utah tonight to go to the baby blessing of my new niece. She is adorable. It will be nice to get with the family. I always enjoy visiting them - for short periods of time. A short weekend trip is always great. It's not enough time for anyone to get on anyone else's nerves. No arguments. Just fun.
I've been seriously thinking about coming out to my parents. I've known for several months now that I need to. It's important for them to understand my situation. But, knowing that it's the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. I've had a few opportunities since I decided to, but have always been too chicken to do it. They are picking me up at the airport tonight, and it's an hour drive to their house. That might be my only chance to speak with them privately this weekend. It will be then, or it will have to wait for the next time I see them. I've thought about doing it in a letter, or over the phone, but I just think that it needs to be done face to face.
That gets me to my topic of the day - burden casting. No, it's not a distant relative of the "Chip Chuck" or "Watermelon Toss". I'm speaking of casting your burdens on the Lord. Also known as laying your troubles at his feet.
How on earth do you do that? I've taken 34 trips around the sun, and I still don't know how to do that. I am an engineer. A scientist. A mathematician. I'm an out-of-the-box solution creator. I am NOT an abstract thinker. To me the concept of casting your burdens on the Lord is very abstract. I can't actually walk to his house, burst in through the front door, yell "Burden!!!" and throw it at him. I can pray and admit that I know I am weak and list out my struggles to him, but is that casting your burdens on him? I still have to bear them, so I don't think it is.
I came to this conclusion recently. Part of our responsibilities here on the earth is to lift each other and bear one another's burdens. I think that bearing one another's burdens goes hand in hand with casting said burdens on the Lord. If you humble yourself and admit that you can't do it alone, and then go out and seek that help from those whom you love, that is casting your burdens on the Lord. They are tasked to help bear your burdens, so by you sharing yours with them, you are giving them the opportunity to fulfill that purpose in life.
I'm not sure if I've said this in a way that makes sense to anyone but myself. Maybe I'll come back to this post after lunch and edit it a bit. Or not.
I've been seriously thinking about coming out to my parents. I've known for several months now that I need to. It's important for them to understand my situation. But, knowing that it's the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. I've had a few opportunities since I decided to, but have always been too chicken to do it. They are picking me up at the airport tonight, and it's an hour drive to their house. That might be my only chance to speak with them privately this weekend. It will be then, or it will have to wait for the next time I see them. I've thought about doing it in a letter, or over the phone, but I just think that it needs to be done face to face.
That gets me to my topic of the day - burden casting. No, it's not a distant relative of the "Chip Chuck" or "Watermelon Toss". I'm speaking of casting your burdens on the Lord. Also known as laying your troubles at his feet.
How on earth do you do that? I've taken 34 trips around the sun, and I still don't know how to do that. I am an engineer. A scientist. A mathematician. I'm an out-of-the-box solution creator. I am NOT an abstract thinker. To me the concept of casting your burdens on the Lord is very abstract. I can't actually walk to his house, burst in through the front door, yell "Burden!!!" and throw it at him. I can pray and admit that I know I am weak and list out my struggles to him, but is that casting your burdens on him? I still have to bear them, so I don't think it is.
I came to this conclusion recently. Part of our responsibilities here on the earth is to lift each other and bear one another's burdens. I think that bearing one another's burdens goes hand in hand with casting said burdens on the Lord. If you humble yourself and admit that you can't do it alone, and then go out and seek that help from those whom you love, that is casting your burdens on the Lord. They are tasked to help bear your burdens, so by you sharing yours with them, you are giving them the opportunity to fulfill that purpose in life.
I'm not sure if I've said this in a way that makes sense to anyone but myself. Maybe I'll come back to this post after lunch and edit it a bit. Or not.
01 March 2007
I specifically asked for no mayo!
One would think that the nice part of being an aerospace engineer in a large company is that you work with a bunch of other engineers. For one with SSA, this is good because even though 95% of the people you work with are male, they are all poorly dressed, have bad hygiene, and are generally unattractive people who probably shouldn't procreate anyway. And then there are those who defy the stereotypical engineering profile - and herein lies the great struggle of maintaining thoughts garnished with virtue (instead of being garnished with mayo).
There is this guy that I work with who, I kid you not, would win any competition for the next super-hot A&F model. He has an extremely dry sense of humor, so of course we get along famously. But, for the love, could I please just be able to think about something other than his amazing physique and gorgeous facial features when I'm working with him!?!?! It is far too distracting, and sometimes my thoughts have wandered off into territory that they should not be in. It's painful. Sooooo painful sometimes.
Fortunately for me he is as straight as they get, so there will never be any awkward temptations for me - thank God for that! But it didn't help my inner turmoil the other day when he was wearing his stylish clothes with the trendy t-shirt that just barely comes down to cover his belt line and began to stretch while we were having a conversation, thus exposing his perfectly toned midsection to me. Crap. Start singing a hymn! Think about Hillary Clinton! Do something, but don't stare at him! Ugh. I hope he didn't notice that I was just checking him out.
Then there is the other guy that works down the hall from me. Not quite as perfect a specimen as the afforementioned one, but attractive nonetheless. We don't work together, but for some reason we run into each other in random places all the time. Every once in a while we end up leaving work at the same time and will chat on the way out to the parking lot. He is definitely not straight. I'm beginning to suspect that my untypically friendly personality is begining to clue him off that I'm not as straight as I would hope everyone believed. Yikes. That's a road that I don't want to be tempted to go down. Today it would be really easy for me to say no, but on those occasional bad days I have my doubts that I would be able to say no.
Sigh. I wish there were hot chick engineers that I could dig.
There is this guy that I work with who, I kid you not, would win any competition for the next super-hot A&F model. He has an extremely dry sense of humor, so of course we get along famously. But, for the love, could I please just be able to think about something other than his amazing physique and gorgeous facial features when I'm working with him!?!?! It is far too distracting, and sometimes my thoughts have wandered off into territory that they should not be in. It's painful. Sooooo painful sometimes.
Fortunately for me he is as straight as they get, so there will never be any awkward temptations for me - thank God for that! But it didn't help my inner turmoil the other day when he was wearing his stylish clothes with the trendy t-shirt that just barely comes down to cover his belt line and began to stretch while we were having a conversation, thus exposing his perfectly toned midsection to me. Crap. Start singing a hymn! Think about Hillary Clinton! Do something, but don't stare at him! Ugh. I hope he didn't notice that I was just checking him out.
Then there is the other guy that works down the hall from me. Not quite as perfect a specimen as the afforementioned one, but attractive nonetheless. We don't work together, but for some reason we run into each other in random places all the time. Every once in a while we end up leaving work at the same time and will chat on the way out to the parking lot. He is definitely not straight. I'm beginning to suspect that my untypically friendly personality is begining to clue him off that I'm not as straight as I would hope everyone believed. Yikes. That's a road that I don't want to be tempted to go down. Today it would be really easy for me to say no, but on those occasional bad days I have my doubts that I would be able to say no.
Sigh. I wish there were hot chick engineers that I could dig.
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