Wow!

So, I was talking to my mom on the phone while I was driving home yesterday (using my legal, hands-free device of course) and she said something that I never thought I would hear her say. Ever. Not in a million years. I was shocked. I was stunned. I almost had to pull over and stop the car.

She said, "Well, I think that you and Derrick should get married now that it's legal. If you guys are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, you need your legal protections."

I never thought I would ever hear her dissent from the popular voice of "the church." I almost cried a little.

Life is very good today. It's been a long road, and we've come a long way.

Cheers!

My Fireside Prediction

My cynical (but accurate) prediction of the Idaho "SSA-themed" fireside that's happening next weekend:

A whole bunch of gay Mormons are going to meet a whole bunch of other gay Mormons and within a couple of weeks 75% of them will be confessing in the bishop's office because they hooked up with someone from the conference.

The Love of God

As someone who has emerged from the tunnel with shattered faith, I sometimes think about if God really does exist. Part of me wants to be realistic and just accept the fact that he probably doesn't, given the evidence of the chaos and catastrophe inflicted upon mankind because of (and in the name of) religion. On the other hand, I've always been "in tune" with a spiritual part of myself, and still am. That part really wants to believe in an afterlife. I love D more than anything, and I don't want it to just be until we die.

So, my agnosticism prevails. I'm not completely persuaded one way or the other.

One thing that does persuade me toward the realistic view is some of the lame statements from people with respect to the love of God. I say that with reference to Scott's blog, and his seemingly impending split from Sarah. The things that the self-righteous religious folk comment on there just makes me fume. Other comments just make me roll my eyes at the absurdity.

One of the recent comments that I found absurd was "God loves you and is mindful of this entire situation." Really? If God is mindful of the situation, then why doesn't God do anything about it? Why did he encourage them to get married in the first place, knowing that it would end up in a tremendous amount of pain for everyone involved? Why send children into a family that he knew wouldn't be able to stay together? Honestly, it seems more like God's cruel joke than him being loving and mindful.

Three Months Later

Has it really been three months since I last wrote? It's true, once the angst was out of me I lost my muse. Although, from a personal sanity perspective, that's not a bad thing to lose. :) So, here are some random thoughts.

Where am I at right now in my life? I am happy. I love the person I am with. We're like an old married couple now. We've lived together for 1.5 years now (wow!). The honeymoon is over and now we're just living our lives. We have plans for the future (that are totally flexible, depending on what random opportunities come our way). We have great friends here in So Cal (and other places too). We have a lot of great things going for us.

I wouldn't say that we live in bliss. We just live like a normal, loving couple. He does have some personality quirks that get on my nerves occasionally (and I know that I have some that bug him as well), but show me one couple in the world where that isn't the case. The best part of being committed to each other is being able to get over the little annoyances of life and still have the person you love lying next to you at the end of the day.

Here's something that may be interesting to a few of you. I think that our relationship is very different than a classical one. It's kind of a touchy issue to address, and I'm sure there are gay MoHo couples out there who would disagree with our perspective: We are both completely okay with the other person looking at, making comments about, and even touching other hot boys. It's kind of a game to see who can spot the hottest guy at the beach, or at the bar, or wherever we find ourselves. We are realistic. We're both men, and we're both gay - we're always going to want to look. And gay men also seem to have the propensity to look more than straight men do anyway.

Ours is not like some lame hetero relationship where the guy looks for half a second too long at some passerby and his wife gets all up in arms about it. We aren't jealous like that. We don't feel threatened by it. We both know who it is we love and want to go home with. And you know what? It works.

The other day we saw this guy with the most amazing abs ever and I commented, "Wow, I wish I had abs like that!" D's response was, "I wouldn't complain if you had abs like that." It was funny. It wasn't offensive. We like our relationship being like that. It takes a lot of pressure off.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for now. Maybe I'll think of something else to write before another three months pass...

TTFN!

A Goal, Not a Resolution

This year I decided to improve my sub-par photographic skills. So, I'm reading more. Looking at and analyzing professional pictures more. And, most importantly, taking more pictures. As a matter of fact, my goal is to do a 365 day photo blog this year. I'm posting one photo each day that I have taken during that day. The first few days were easy (especially since I was on vacation and had plenty of time to find photo opportunities). It will be very challenging on normal work days to come up with a photograph that evening. Yikes! I'm already freaking out.

If you care to take a look at it and follow it during the year, the URL is:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinmerrell/sets/72157622992982395/

I think that the first three days of the photo blog are not representative of my skills - they were lucky shots and far cooler than what I'm usually capable of. :)

Oh, and this confirms my identity to anyone who has wondered. I don't really feel much need for anonymity anymore. Although, I may still refer to myself as Max Power and my partner as D, just to keep the consistency here in my blog.

Cheers in the new year!

A Letter

I received a letter (well, email) from an acquaintance I used to go to church with. We'll call him Mr. X. It is posted here for your entertainment.


Hey [Max],

It's [Mr. X]. How have you been?

Hey, I know this will catch you a little bit off guard, but I heard recently that you haven't been seen as often around HB1. Maybe you're seen more around another ward, but I just wanted to check in on you and see how you're doing. I did hear of an "announcement" that you made via email a while back, and to be honest, the details are neither here nor there with me. Really I just wanted to reach out to you as a friend and brother to invite you with all of my heart to come back (if you haven't been going) as I know our Heavenly Father and the Savior are well aware of you and love you. Of this I have no doubt.

I do not pretend by this email that you and I are best friends by any means, but we have known each other for many years, and I will say that I've always looked up to you with all of the talents that you've been given. You blessed our Priesthood meetings week after week by playing inspiring hymns to start out those meetings, and I only wish I had those talents to do the same, but I do not have them at this point, and that was where you with your abilities were able to bless the kingdom, among various other areas of service you rendered. I also know that you have a testimony of the gospel.

[Max], for what it's worth, I want you to know that I know that the Savior lives. His hand is outstretched still. I have felt that power in my life when I have fallen short. The Atonement is for us, who don't always quite live up to our capabilities. I know that He is the Head of the Church and that he directs it through his Holy Prophets. The Spirit testifies this to me. The Book of Mormon was indeed written for our time. This is especially apparent to me as I read the book of Helaman through 3rd Nephi 11, which can parallel our world current events and/or preparation for the 2nd Coming.

For some reason, and I don't know why, as I have now left HB, you have been on my mind lately and really have felt that I've needed to write you this message, and felt I needed to act on these promptings. I pray that it will be taken in the right Spirit and with the feeling of tenderness from a brother who knows of the goodness that you have.

I hope to talk to you soon and wish you God speed in everything you do.

Your friend,

[Mr. X]


I just kind of sighed as I read it. I'm not sure if I'm going to respond or not. I really don't feel a great urge to.

Since I know this person quite well (we went to church together for several years and served in an Elder's Quorum Presidency together for about a year), I can see the undertones. I know his personality. I know how he talks in church. There are some underlying things in here that I know are going through his head based on what he wrote and what I have known him to be like in the past.

One thing I find ironic about this letter, and the general way that many Mormons seem to react to inactive/ex members is they always claim how much they love you, yet find a way to be very condescending in their message. His statement "...who don't always quite live up to our capabilities" made me scratch my head a bit. How does he know whether or not I'm living up to my capabilities? I think I am. And the statement about me falling short. That's not judgmental at all, right?

My favorite part is when he dismisses my coming out of the closet as an "announcement", using the quotation marks. Classy.

It was also nice to find out that my most memorable contribution to the ward over years and years of service (and serving with him in an EQP) was playing the hymns for priesthood meeting. Really, Mr. X? That's all you can come up with? I did a whole lot more than that over the years, especially when I picked up all the slack you left in the EQP.

And he "knows of the goodness that [I] have." It seems that I've gotten rid of all my goodness and am only exuding badness these days. Well, I was in the No on 8 camp, so obviously I am hell-bent on the destruction of America, the family and freedom of religion.

Mr. X, do you really think that a preachy email is going to inspire me to go back to church? It was a lame attempt. But, I will gladly accept your wish of "God speed in everything [I] do" as I fight for civil equality for all Americans.

A Little More Thought

I have put a little more thought into the transpirings in SLC last week with the church supporting a few limited gay rights. I wanted to briefly expound a little on some of my previous comments.

I think that generally, the church is pulling a thinly-veiled PR stunt. They are just trying to save some face. 99% of the GA's doesn't give a shit about you as a gay person. It's an attempt to build up some ammo for future confrontations they will have with the gay community over the marriage issue - "Oh look, we love gay people, we support their rights!" They are going to continue to fight tooth and nail against us in our quest for equal treatment under the law.

I was delighted to see Elder Holland's comment last Thursday. I met him and had a good, long conversation with him once while I was on my mission. I don't expect anyone else to take my word for it, but from that experience I do think that he really is as sincere and genuine as he appears to be.

His comment on Thursday does not change what the leaders are generally trying to do, but it does show me one thing. It shows me that there is one person in the leadership who is beginning to open their mind. I doubt that he's on board for gay marriage at this point, but I do see him as a compassionate person who may help to temper some of the ire from the general leadership over this issue.

I do not view the announcement by Otterson at the SLC council meeting as a baby step, but I do view Holland's statement as that.

The problem with the church lately is that rather than making progress through the "2 steps forward, 1 step back" shtick, they seem to be doing the "1 step forward, 2 steps back" routine which will ultimately end in a negative accrual of steps.